


The Hitman's Baby

by ravenromance27



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-10-29 01:56:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10844106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenromance27/pseuds/ravenromance27
Summary: When former hitman Levi Ackerman completed the last hit he needed to gain freedom, the last thing he needed was a complication that couldn't be solved with a gun, a grenade or a well-employed garrote.





	1. Chapter 1

**AUTHORS NOTE:**

Obviously SNK is not mine or else I wouldn't be reduced to writing crack. Honest to god this story began with the random idea of what kind of parent Levi would've turned out had he been born not in titan-torn world but rather a more modern, more forgiving universe. Imagine the bossiness, possessiveness and sheer bad-assery. That's it. I know. What can I say? Muses are really, really, REALLY weird.

* * *

 

**THE HITMAN'S BABY**

 

_**"If I could get a firm grip on reality I'd choke it."** _

_**\- ANONYMOUS** _

* * *

 

His latest contract was finally completed.

The body on the floor appeared just as specified in the contract that has been sent through his usual contacts: the target's possession intact, the scenario pristine and undisturbed and the body on his bed atop his sheets, clad still in the work clothes used earlier that day; unmarked save for the ragged lacerations that marked both wrists consistent with an amateur's messy attempt and consequent success to commit suicide.

There were no visible trace of anything amiss and he was doing post-op check to insure that no forensic detail would escape his discerning eye. There would be no point in doing a job and then do the utterly asinine mistake of assuming that forensics won't try to find out if there's any evidence of foul play. It was par for the course whenever powerful men died so suddenly.

Running an expert eye at the scene, he decided that the tableaux he created was perfect-perfectly flawed as could be deduced from a man that decided to take his own life.

He then turned his critical eye towards the slowly cooling cadaver in front of him and noted absently the quickly drying blood that's clotted on the man's mangled wrists. Physically they were the only visible proof for cause of death. Well that, and of course the one that's nearly impossible to see if one didn't have a cause to look for it in the first place.

No matter how thorough the autopsy would be—and he was damned certain it would be, given who the victim was—they would never suspect to check on the near invisible puncture dot that he placed the man's scalp, concealed right on top of a larger than normal mole that's hidden beneath the man's thick locks. The tiny pinprick that guaranteed to fade to nothing in two hours—enough time for the body to cool down and erase the only taint that might otherwise make the dead body memorable in any shape or form.

_No note. No message. Phones still left charging._

The lone shadow inside the apartment shifted to wipe away the faintest impression of a smudge that was left behind as the man brushed against the bedside table as he was bodily hauled to his bed and later posed by a pair of skilled, professional hands. Dark eyes swept across the room and carefully appended the contents of the man's pockets around the man's personal space, reconstructing the expected scene of a man who for reasons he alone would know suddenly decided to take his life: wallet dropped uncaring on the floor, keys and other paraphernalia tossed carelessly on his bureau. In the kitchen a single shot glass of whisky is all that remains of a newly opened bottle-the protective casing around the cap and the cap itself will be discovered lodge beneath the bar stool-seemingly dropped there by unsteady hands that were too busy and too eager for their content to care about where caps and casings dropped. A small bucket of melted ice water already trickling a puddle right next to the bottle would prove that the man spent some time drinking to build up his nerve...a fact that would later be proven fact when his autopsy would mark his blood alcohol level to be high enough to fell a horse let alone a small man.

A final sweep and the shadow gave a short, sharp nod. A look outside the balcony doors of the apartment confirmed that he has been working for nearly two hours and the building has reached the peak hours when darkness worked its best feature. The apartment complex shuts down and all the residents locked it. Perfect time to make an exit.

Sliding the doors open, the shadow wiped the doors down before carefully closing them, listening for the tell-tale click of the lock engaging. With a swift turn, he faced the terrace that faced the small alley that would lead to the building complexes parking lot and the nearby corner where the building kept its huge trash receptacles.

With a deft hands, the figure launched himself over the steel railings and carefully made his way down from the targets seventh floor dwelling. Careful handholds from conveniently placed decorative trellises from the neighbors below made the action relatively painless and easy and the shadow allowed himself a quiet snort.

Such fanciful and ostentatious fripperies always aided his nighttime raids and it's a wonder not a lot of them were getting robbed or killed. It's like they're giving criminals a gold-embossed pass to just make an attempt. He was grateful-make no mistake-but the blatant lack of common sense offended his sensibilities.

With a grunt and a final leap, he landed on the ground, knees bent to absorb the impact and with a deep breath, straightened to his full height.

He was about to exit from the alley when he heard a distinctive rustling from behind him-specifically where the large garbage bin was located.

Turning slightly, he flattened himself against one of the walls, cursing the smell and the dampness that greeted his back-knowing that he was now pressed against something decidedly filthy didn't improve his mood. Eyes attuned to low lights scanned the small space and noted that one of the boxes near the bin was now overturned and something was pushing against it.

Sighing in exasperation for jumping at clearly noting, he waited to see if a cat or god forbid some other vermin crawls out of the box when the box gave a faint shudder and a cry sounded faintly in the alley.

For a moment the shadow wondered if he misheard. The box shook and the cry came again-this time a bit louder and more distinct.

**_That's not a cat. And if that's a fucking rat-that must be one the size of a damned raccoon._ **

For half a minute he debated whether he would succumb to curiosity or simply walk away. Instinct or some form of it prevented him from leaving and so with a sigh of disgust, he allowed himself to approach the mysterious box.

Crouching was out of the question since he didn't want to be surprised by a rat or cat in the face so with no clear option left, he used his food to nudge the box, checking if its resident was still present.

The box gave another shake and using his foot still. He checked the lid. It was taped down.

_**Huh. No wonder it can't get out.** _

Curiously enough, there were some holes punched throughout the box. He wondered if it did, indeed contained an animal its previous owner simply wished to dispose of without going through the proper channel.

With a sigh, he reached in to his jacket pocket and withdrew a small switchblade. A quick flick of his wrist and he made a small cut on a corner of the box-he didn't want to risk nicking the creature before he even knows what it is.

Reaching out with one hand, he grasped the edges of the lid and carefully peeled it open. His other hand kept the switchblade at the ready.

What he saw nearly made him see **red.**

The box didn't contain vermin or god forbid a feral creature that needed disposing. It didn't even contain a cat or even a damned pup.

The box that's been deposited with such careless disregard next to a smelly garbage bin in dank, damp filthy alley contained something far more disturbing.

Haphazardly bundled in a dirty blanket, tied with thin ropes and stuffed into a flimsy cardboard box is a living, breathing _baby_. And it was bawling its eyes out.

**MERDE**.

* * *

 

Two hours later, Levi Ackerman, moonlighting hitman and current Chief of Security for the SurveyCorp Group walked through the doors of his manor with an odd addition under his arm. The first one of the many residents of the manor that he encountered were his Personal Assistant and protégé who stared at the box with something akin to shock.

Petra literally stopped in the middle of her phone conversation to stare at him once she noticed his newest acquisition. "Boss, I received a call from the President and-Boss?"

"What?"

Isabel, one of the young trainees he'd sort of adopted gawked at what was he was carrying. "Is that a box—Big Bro, why are you carrying an old smelly box? Did you find a kitten or something?"

Levi gave out a snort. "Or something. Petra, do me a favor and call that Shitty Glasses in here okay? And get me Nanaba. I have a few chores for her to do."

"On it Boss. I'll just page the Doc."

"Great. I'll be in my room. Call me when they get here. You, go to bed, it already fucking late and you have school tomorrow."

"I was just waiting for you Big Bro!"

He gave the pair a short, brisk nod before he strode away heading towards his private wing, well-aware that they haven't taken their gaze off of him.

Once inside his room he made his way quickly towards the en-suite bathroom. Taking an assessing look at the figure still curled up in the box—thankfully this time sans the added bows of rope, he decided that his sink—custom fitted and both larger and deeper than the norm—would suffice in the meantime. Pushing down the stopper, he filled the sink with warm water and poured a bit of his soap-mildly scented and hypoallergenic into a new bath sponge allowed the water to be lightly sudsy.

Turning towards his newest acquisition, he reached into one of the drawers and withdrew a wickedly sharp pair of scissors that gave a faintly malevolent gleam beneath the bright overhead light. With a quick flick of his wrist he had the tiny bodysuit sliced in pieces as he gently peeled away the dirt-encrusted fabric and studied the figure wrapped in his arms.

The figure was tiny—but not ridiculously so, therefore not an infant but perhaps no more than a year or so at the most—certainly no more than two years old—maybe even less since infant size was something he couldn't assess with any degree of competency or certainty. He noted belatedly that it was a boy, something he wouldn't have immediately thought of since the baby had quite delicate slim limbs and delicate features.

As with everything he had had to interact with, Levi's brain was quietly and methodically cataloguing everything about the child in his arms as he tried to free the baby from the stained rags that clung stubbornly to his frail body resorting to the judicious and extremely cautious use of scissors to remove the tattered, clinging strips of cloth that could barely qualify as clothing.

Dark hair of indeterminate final hue. Will reassess after clean up. Eye color yet to be determined. Will await until baby is fully awake. Limbs seemed fully formed…all requisite digits present and accounted for. Thick, dark lashes, longer than expected for a male child. Well-shaped brows and nose. Cheeks chubby and smooth except for some spots of redness caused by unknown irritant. Insect bites and excessive crying as probable cause. A small patch of rash developing on damp posterior. Arms marked by ligatures due to the bindings. Must determine probable culprit and deliver suitable punishment for the fuckers. Application of medicated ointment to reduce swellings and prevent scarring.

Turning the slumbering baby, he noted a small inked mark of the small shoulder blade. He noted the location and with a careful balancing act, retrieved his phone and took a couple of shots to remind him later to determine what they were. Thinking of possible documentation that might assist in locating the baby's origin and the bastards who decided trussing a baby like a fucking turkey was a good idea. He made a mental note to inform his hunters to put out feelers in order to find the bastards quickly. He needed the stress reliever and the douchebags that hogtied this baby more than deserved his wrath. Better them than the random bad guy he would've otherwise picked out of hat.

Staring at the ink, he realized that they seemed more like writing of some sort rather than any artistic design or logo. Taking another mental note to run the design through the Corp's system, he proceeded with his initial goal: getting the baby cleaned.

Picking up the thoroughly warmed up sponge, he wrung out the excess water and gently scrubbed the small body cradled carefully in his arms. His eyes noted that the baby's lashes fluttered and plump lips parted to give out a faint whimper but still it wasn't quite enough to fully wake him up. The crying fit the baby indulged in when he caught his attention seemed to have sapped the last of the infant's meager reserves and so here he lay, passive even in the midst of a bath. Barely a minute or two spent contemplating his course of action and he decided that the best way to get the baby clean without doing both of them any damage should his grip slip was to lay the baby down on the counter on top of a towel and gently bathed him from there. It would free both of his hands and make the bathing process proceed more efficiently. Decision made, he pulled back his sleeves even further and made the necessary adjustments.

He bent towards one of the cupboards beneath his counter. Picking up a thick towel from the neat stack, he deposited it on the counter and then centered the slumbering baby squarely in the middle. Hands now freed, he took the sponge again and starting from the small hands, gently, slowly and thoroughly washed the baby, soaping the tiny fingers and toes. He scrubbed the tiny chest, down smooth rounded tummy; he ran the sponge around chubby legs and gently lifted the baby to clean the thin frail skin on the baby's back, patting the inked mark, wondering at its presence that faded a tiny bit but didn't smear.

Once the baby's face was washed, the smooth curve of his cheeks wiped clean of the faint tracks of tears that stained the chubby cheeks, he took another moment to rinse the baby thoroughly and dry the body before turning towards the head that was now giving off a faint unpleasant stench.

Using the glass that he uses for brushing his teeth, he filled with with warm water and he carefully wetted the thick hair, wincing when he noticed that the rivulets of water that flowed out was murky-hued. Carefully pouring out more water, and letting the strands soften and loosen from the dust, sweat and no doubt tears, he squeezed out a bit of his shampoo unto his palm-barely the size of a dime and lathering his hands, he rubbed his slickened hands around the damp locks, massaging the shampoo slowly and carefully until he could feel nothing but suds and soft tresses.

Cradling the baby in his arms once more, he brought the baby closer to the sink, allowing one of his hands to fill the glass again and poured carefully on top of the tiny head. Watching closely so that the suds doesn't get close to the baby's eyes and ensuring that the thick dark locks were completely rinsed.

Once the all the traces of soap was gone, be brought the baby to his room and placing it on his bed proceeded to slowly pat the small body dry, tenderly rubbing against the tiny feet and hands to stimulate circulation even as he used yet another warmed up towel to conserve what little body heat the tiny bundle in his arms produced. With a slightly more brisk move, he rubbed the surprisingly thick locks dry before running the gentle fingers through the towel dried tresses, careful not to put too much pressure on the fragile scalp beneath.

All throughout his ministrations Levi couldn't help but keep track of the steady rise and fall of that tiny chest-his sole assurance that the body he was cradling was still alive and not just a shell of something that has given up.

Realizing that he had nothing to put the baby in and thinking the living room might be a bit warmer than his vast bedroom, he wrapped the baby in one of his own soft flannel shirts, and cradled the baby closer to his chest, tucking in the precious body closer to his own before exiting his room to see if his orders have been followed.

Petra was busy noting something on her ever present tablet as she spoke to him, noting absently his return to the living room. "Boss, I was looking for Erd and Gunther so I can send them for some groceries...maybe some milk and a litter box of some sort-"

"Milk's a good idea. As them to go to a pharmacy-they might be more useful. What do we need a fucking litter box for?"

It took him half a minute to notice that she was gawking rather undignified at him before she let out a shriek.

"Boss! That's not a kitten!"

"Keep your voice down. I have fucking eyes, I know it's not. Did I say anything about it being a fucking cat?"

"But-but Boss! Where-do you mean you found that baby inside that box?"

"Fucking right I did. Now where is that Shitty Glasses when I need her? Fucking should've called it-when you don't need her she's all over the place and when you do she's-"

Just as he was about to rant at the apparent tardiness of his second in command, a tall bouncing figure burst into the room in a whirlwind of noise and color. Hanji plopped ungracefully next to him and pushed her face close to the sleeping baby much to Levi's annoyance.

"I'm here Grumpy Munchkin! You bellowed for me?"

"Shut the fuck up you heathen. Where the hell have you been?"

"Oh here or there!" she trilled as she rubbed her hands together like some disturbing cartoon minion. "Oh look the little darling's waking up!"

Levi decided to ignore her antics as he turned towards the bundle in his arms. "But damn time. I already gave it a bath and it didn't even-"

The baby gave a faint wiggle and immediately Levi found himself staring. It moved fretfully for a moment before limbs started to stretch out and he winced when he realized the baby would be feeling the pain from being trussed up for so long. As he predicted, the baby whimpered when his tiny limbs finally realized it could move freely. A few tears slid out from beneath the dark damp lids and mewling issued from the tiny mouth. Levi never felt more like gutting someone for causing something so innocent such pain. Levi cursed softly under his breath about bastards abusing children when the baby finally—finally stopped scrunching up his face and opened his eyes. Levi's breath hitched and he faintly noted the wheezing squeal that Petra emitted from his side but he scarcely paid it any mind. He was too busy staring.

"Oh Munchkin, look at those eyes! He's gorgeous!"

Levi has dealt with many things in his young life. He has faced death, darkness and depravity on a near daily basis since he gained cognizance of what it means to survive.

But he has never seen anything worth possessing as this brat with eyes the color of priceless gems. And then the brat did something unforgivable.

He fluttered his lashes and then twinkled up to him before the damned brat smiled and cooed at Levi, chubby arms lifting up as if to grab him close. Levi let his hands hover in front of the baby's face until small chubby fingers grabbed his own index finger and in the process sealed his doom. When the baby gave a trill of a giggle Levi was completely smitten.

"Oi Shitty Glasses.

"Yes Grumpy Munchkin?"

"Mike's around isn't he?"

"If it's close to dinner time you can bet your tiny angry butt he's here somewhere. Why?"

"Bastard's a fucking lawyer or some shit right? Got a good rep and everything?"

"The best. Wait—why would you need Mike? You have legal problems?"

"I think I'm about to."

"Aww, you're keeping him then?"

"Don't ask stupid questions Shitty Glasses. Of course I am. No one is taking him from me. This brat is mine."

"Ah, Munchkin, you've gotten attached! I'm so proud of you!"

"Shut the fuck up and get me Mike Shitty Glasses. Petra, where the hell is that milk? My brat is hungry."

The baby was chewing on the ends of his blanket and Levi was torn between cooing at the adorable sight and fussing at the mess the baby was making of himself and the unmitigated messiness of all that drool possibly dripping on his antique carpet.

"I think it's Middle Eastern."

"What's Middle—Precious, no!"

Hanji blinked at the endearment, turning towards her friend so fast she nearly gave herself whiplash. "Precious?"

"Don't touch that—I haven't cleaned that yet. Petra!"

"Yes, Boss?"

"Have that table moved. The corners might be too sharp and I don't want the baby to hurt himself. I told those fucking slackers to baby proof this room—where the hell are they? Also get me that box of baby wipes—he's drooling all over and he's making a fucking mess of himself. What is wrong with him—is he hungry? Oi, Shitty Glasses—do you think the baby's hungry that's why he's chewing his blanket?"

Hanji gawked at Levi before sputtering in amusement. Levi wasn't amused. He reached out and slapped the back of Hanji's head smartly.

"I asked you a question Shitty Glasses."

"Ow!"

"Don't shout like an undignified baboon Shitty Glasses or you might startle him. Now answer the damn question."

"He might be teething. The excessive drool points to that. If you don't want him chewing on his blanket get him a teething ring. For now, milk biscuits might help him. A bottle also wouldn't be amiss. We don't know the last time he had a meal."

"Petra—"

"On it Boss."

Levi looked away from the baby to flick a glower at his cackling second in command as she banged the keys on her laptop.

"Now, regarding that mark, can you read it?"

"No, but I put into through my system and we might have a list of the probably translation soon."

"Do that. I need to feed him anyways."

Hanji nodded and fiddled some more with her console while Levi proceeded with the feeding and cleaning of his baby. Levi picked up one of the bottles Petra dutifully supplied and with a quick check with a medical site, popped the nipple into the baby's mouth and watched avidly as the baby began to feed, conscientiously minding the drool that seemed to ooze out even as the baby suckled without restraint. Levi grumbled at the mess quietly when the baby finished his bottle.

"Messy little thing."

The boy gurgled and cooed at Levi, nodding and clapping his hands as he chewed on the biscuit Petra brought him. It took Hanji a few tries before she managed to get his attention.

"Levi. Levi!"

"I told you to stop caterwauling like a baboon. What do you want?"

"Got it!" Hanji declared triumphantly. She turned the laptop to show Levi the screen that bore the same image inked on his newest 'charge'.

"I told you to fucking tone it down, Shitty Glasses."

"Yeah, yeah. The mark—your baby's mark means saint."

Levi ran a gentle finger across the inked symbol and grinned when the baby giggled. "Saint huh."

"Well...it might be his name...we can have a list of different names that mean saint. But there's a whole clump of possibilities."

"What the hell are you lollygagging next to me for? Go and do that!"

It took Hanji half a night and the next morning they started to narrow down the possibilities. The baby, having been fed for the last day and a half looked remarkably better than when Levi found him. They brought him back into the living room since Levi refused to allow anyone to linger in his room for any reason.

They tried calling out all the names until they reached one that Levi found oddly appealing. Looking up at the baby whose gaze were locked on the small bunny that was placed next to him and he was busy gnawing and gumming the plush cover with apparent joy. Raising his voice slightly, Levi called out.

"Eren?"

The baby that's been largely ignoring them gleefully for the huge pile of plushy toys they plopped next to him suddenly became still. Dark fuzzy head swiveled and both Hanji and Levi found themselves holding their breath. Levi decided to call out again.

"Eren?"

Large viridian eyes tinged with the faintest gold rose to meet Levi and they filled with unparalleled glee. Raising short chubby arms, the baby waved to Levi and with the unmistakable intent of wanting to lifted into his arms waited until Levi came closer, mumbling and cooing like he was saying 'finally'. Hanji felt her friend suddenly become deathly still and she turned towards him in surprise.

"Levi?"

"Hanji..."

"L-levi? Are you alright?"

"I-I think-my chest hurts—I-I think I'm having a heart attack Fuck, this isn't right—I'm too fucking young to die."

"Ah—I don't think that's it. You just need to breath."

"I am breathing Shitty Glasses."

"Try taking deeper breaths Munchkin. It might also help if you blink."

"I can't do that—I might miss something."

"Oh Munchkin—you have it bad."

"What? Well, whatever it is make sure I get treated for it—I can't have Eren getting infected by it."

Hanji's jaw dropped and her eyes took on a wicked gleam as she gave out an insanely mischievous smirk, "Oh boy…"

* * *

 

_**Raising a Baby takes Priorities** _

**FEEDINGS**

"He must learn to eat things that he would otherwise turn away. He can't grow up being picky and besides it won't be healthy for him to eat just the things that he wants."

Levi leveled the women hovering next to him with a glare that could melt polar ice caps.

"You're a fucking doctor Shitty Glasses. Either hire a nutritionist to plan his meals or have Petra find me the name of a good chef." He waved a hand at the handful of white-clothed people standing stiffly against one of the walls closest to the door. "Isn't that reason we have all those idiots coming here for an interview?"

"Yes, that's why we have chefs coming in today. Fine. Have him drink milk. Plenty of it. We don't want him turning into a midget like you, now do we?"

"I grew up in a challenging environment where food is a goddamned luxury for those not idiotic enough to die, so shoot me if I'm less than a fucking telephone pole. Milk might be good." He made a careful notation on a small Moleskin notebook he carried with him before cocking an imperious eyebrow at them. "What else?"

Petra consulted her computer printout. "The mommy site I visited emphasized on variety and organic foods being best. He'll need fruits and plenty of vegetables too. A balance diet of protein and carbs. We don't know yet how energetic he would be so we would adjust accordingly."

"No mushrooms."

"Levi."

"My baby is not eating a fungus Shitty Glasses."

"But—"

"If I wanted him to eat something that tastes like dirt, I'd tell him. NO MUSHROOMS." After a bet he added. "No seaweed either or any of those weird fucking things idiotic people sometimes eat because they think its stylish or cool—stupid bastards."

Hanji cackled and even Petra gave a grin.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem, Boss."

"Fine. What's your stand on sugar, Munchkin?"

"If it turns him into an annoying train wreck like you—then, no. But he may be allowed to have a few treats if he behaves himself. I don't want any of those artificial shit, though."

Isabel hummed thoughtfully next to him, contributing her opinion for the first time since their session began.

"Maybe someone should learn how to bake Big Bro. Then we don't have to worry about artificial flavors and such."

The suggestion was met with silence before Levi started swearing loudly at Hanji that she should make sure someone in that damned line up better be a damned patisserie too.

* * *

 

**TOYS**

It was Eren's third birthday and everyone in their organization was eager to give their offering to the one that changed their boss so much.

Except their boss-like always-was being difficult.

"Auruo—why are you giving my precious Eren metal cars that's small enough for him to put inside his mouth and end up choking with? Are you plotting my baby's demise? Are you planning to kill my baby with lead poisoning?"

"Gunther, Eren is three—what the hell is he going to do with ropes and a grappling hook—hang from the ceiling? Is my ward joining the Circ de Soleil without telling me?"

"Farlan—are you planning to kidnap my ward? Is that the reason why you're giving him an escape pack? What is a three-year old supposed to do with a goddamned go-bag?"

"Kenny—you better run before I use those damned knives you're planning to give Eren to fillet you. Are you fucking insane? A stiletto is not a gift for a three-year old child! Wait until he's at least ten years old you stupid fucker!"

"Hanji I will scrub your entire lab if you bring that mangy mongrel even a meter closer to my Eren. We don't even know if he's allergic and I don't want him finding out by suffering from anaphylactic shock or when his flawless skins breaks out in hives. You too, Isabel! I don't want that yowling menace next to my baby. What if it bites him huh? Or fucking scratch his skin—he might be mauled and completely disfigured by that monster."

"It's a kitten Big Bro."

"Yeah Munchkin—this is a puppy—barely a pound in weight and all."

"I don't fucking care. It's alive, it's an animal and it will grow up to be big. No."

"Mike—my Eren is a small, adorable baby—born with a natural sweet scent. Why the fuck are you gifting him with perfumed oils like some cheap-ass hooker? What the hell would a baby need perfumed oils for when all he needs are hypoallergenic lotions and talcum powder?"

"Nanaba, why would my baby need climbing gear? Are you planning to truss him up and drag him up the slopes?"

"Thank you Petra. Please leave the plushies on the table and I'll see to having them washed."

"Boss, they're brand-new."

"Other people touched them. I need to make sure first."

"Fucking Bushy-Brows—my ward is three years old—why are you giving him stock certificates? And what's this—A beach house? Why, is he planning to be a beach bum for the rest of his life?"

* * *

 

**LANGUAGE**

Eren was playing in front of the TV when Levi noted what was playing on the screen. It had everything that the board of television censors warned children are NOT allowed to see let alone be anywhere near at.

"What the fuck is that?! Why that shit playing there! Turn that bloody thing off before my Precious sees that!"

The youngest minions around scrambled to comply and there was a mad rush for the rest to evacuate in the face of Levi's possible wrath. After two minutes, the room was nearly empty save for Levi, his precious baby and his personal crew. Hanji was cackling and Mike was playing guard duty for the day. Petra rolled her eyes as she quietly intoned.

"Language Boss."

"What?" Levi muttered distractedly as his eyes stayed glued to the smiling image of his precious Eren cooing at him while waving a small plush cat.

"Language, sir. You might consider toning down the saltiness of your language a bit."

"And why is that?"

Petra turned to her boss and clutched her tablet on her chest as she explained. "I read in a child-raising journal that Eren's at the age when he will learn to mimic sound and words and well…"

"Well…? Spit it out."

"Well, Boss, if all he hears is cursing—that's probably the first words he'll ever say."

Levi turned so quickly towards Eren that Hanji bet he gave himself whiplash. They watched as Levi stared at his ward for a full minute, hardly blinking at all and they all speculated at the thoughts percolating inside his devious mind. When Eren turned towards Levi and gave the man a sweet smile, cooing all the time, Levi visibly gulped and turned a bit pale.

"Petra, get me that journal."

She gave a pleased sigh and nodded enthusiastically at her clearly smitten superior. "Yes Boss. Will there be anything else?"

"Yeah, while you're at it, get me a big-ass container. I read somewhere something they called a swear jar. We're having one installed here."

Petra and Hanji exchanged a look and then blinked at Levi. Petra cleared her throat and asked quietly, "A swear jar Boss?"

"Did I stutter? Yes, a fucking swear jar."

"Boss—not to be a party-pooper but are you sure about this? A swear jar in this house?"

Levi pinned his assistant with his usual gimlet stare. "Is there a reason you're dragging your feet over this simple order?"

"Just making sure everything is clear. I take it, this is your solution to the 'saltiness' of the language here, sir?"

Levi nodded. "You're right. I can't have Precious growing up speaking like an uneducated street thug. He deserves better. I don't want some self-righteous snobbish pig to have reason to insult Precious for talking like he grew up from the gutters."

"That's very good of you, Sir. I assume the rule would apply to everyone?"

"Of course."

"Even you?"

"Yeah, I guess me too. I need to become a better example for my precious Eren. That also includes Shitty Glasses over there and Fucking Bushy Brows."

"And the rates Boss?"

"A dollar for every word."

"Oh Munchkin, this will be so much fun to watch."

"When will be begin Boss?"

"Oh? Well, why not the fuck now."

"Uhm Boss, we don't have the container yet."

"I see. Well, then we'll start when it gets here."

"This is going to be so good—that jar would be epic."

**_TWO weeks later…_ **

Levi was glaring at his own desk like it did him some unforgivable offense. "Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea again? This thing will bankrupt me faster than those stupid fucking yahoos I allowed to train the recruits."

"Boss…" Petra gave her superior a look and Levi pulled out his wallet and handed it to her.

"Yeah, yeah, charge me later."

"Munchkin—is that?"

The swear jar couldn't be called a jar anymore. It wouldn't fit in the category. The thing was huge—resembling more or less a miniature stainless steel silo with one side made of clear industrial grade acrylic plastic that took up permanent residence at a corner of the main rec room. The 'swear' jar's window showed an impressive amount of bills already past the halfway point.

"That's the take for the last two weeks. If this continues, that kid would have a trust fund bigger than even the fucking Bushy Brows."

Hanji was chortling in glee. "Has he ever contributed to this slush fund of Eren's?"

Levi gave a devious smirk. "Caught him once. That was a great day."

"Why?"

"He ended coughing up five hundred big ones. All in the span of a single hour."

"Five?" Hanji whistled. "What happened?"

"I gave him the annual assessment of our foreign holdings. Shut up real quiet and then started a shitstorm that sent all the greenies greener than a field of fucking alfalfa."

"Boss…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know…keep tallying. It's still early and I haven't had the time to read today's report yet."

Hanji eyeballed the 'collection' in quiet contemplation for a few minutes before issuing a faint whistle.

"Levi, you know, based on the dimension of this 'jar' of yours, I'd estimate there's close to ten thousand dollars in there…"

"Yeah…?"

"Just how often do these guys run off their mouths? I mean if this is the take for the last two weeks—"

Levi grimaced. "I lied—that's the take this week. The first week it came close to fifty grand because everyone was too busy fucking complaining to realize it was costing them money."

"Boss…"

"Yeah, yeah, take a hundred out already. Tell me if I run out before the day ends."

"Whoa that boy is going to roll in it when he reaches legal age."

Levi grimaced before glaring at the object of his ire. "At the rate its going, Eren might end up owning the entire SurveyCorp by the time he hits middle school. He certainly has more money than I had and he hasn't even learned to stand up on his own yet."

* * *

 

**CLOTHING**

When Levi discovered that certain fabrics easily irritated Eren's sensitive skin, he ordered that all his clothes be only purchased from weavers who used natural fabrics. He disliked the sight of his precious baby's flawless golden skin being marred by any form of imperfection, even the temporary kind brought on by simple skin irritations.

They had to reorder everything that would be placed in the nursery Levi had converted from his walk in closet. The 'closet' in fact was the size of moderately sized room and so they had no problem remodeling it into a nursery room for Levi's 'precious' baby. The guest room next to his was later converted to Levi's dressing room and a stock room for extra things for Eren.

When Petra showed him her initial offering, he scoffed but allowed her to dress Eren. What she brought back out was something so enchanting Levi found himself losing his breath. Isabel who was lounging next to him cooed at the sight.

"W-wha-what manner of clothing is that?"

"It's called onesies. Or as I call them, footy-pajamas. Aren't they adorable, Boss? Look, there's snaps here so that you can replace his diaper without needing to undress him. It comes in a variety of designs and best of all—" Petra showed the "footy" part of the suit. "It covers the baby completely from head to foot that even his tiny feet won't get any dirt on them if he decides to go crawling. His entire skin save for his hands and face could be protected from dirt and—"

Isabel was already clapping her hands and waving at Petra to take a hold of Eren."It's perfect! And that design!"

And truly it was a sight that could rend and melt the most stalwart of hearts. The footy pajamas was designed like a small kitten with paws for feet and even cute tiny black ears and tail. Levi couldn't take his eyes off the vision of the sleepy figure of his precious kitten.

"Precious...Petra take my card...buy as many of these delightful creations as you can."

"Yes Boss. Should I buy one that looks like that teddy you bought him?"

"Is there one like that?"

"Yes Boss. There are lots of designs available."

"Then I expect you to have that as well. Buy him whatever you think is best."

"Yes Boss. What shall be my limit?"

Levi blinked at his assistant. "It's for Precious Petra. What's the limit for a Platinum Am Ex?"

Petra shook her head and decided never to ask again. Her boss was usually thrifty to the point of parsimony when it comes to certain purchases but mention Eren and suddenly she's left wondering if there will come a point when the platinum card in her hands might finally be declined.

_**SUIT-ABLE** _

Hanji was bringing a folder of documents for Levi's signature when she noted the newest trend in the manor's resident baby.

"Levi, why is Eren looking like a miniature Mafioso?"

"Because he wants to."

"What?"

"Saw a film. Asked if he could wear something like it. I told him yes."

"You're allowing Eren to wear a black mafia suit?"

"It's a suit. It's black. It doesn't necessarily belong exclusively for the use of the members of the criminal Underworld. The Mafia is known for being able to diversify whenever their fancy strikes. Besides, I wear a suit."

Farlan who was the day's guard chortled gleefully as he pitched in his ten cent's worth even as his eyes never strayed from Eren. His instructions from his Boss was clear—his main job was to guard Eren—even if the Boss man was sitting not four feet away from his precious and no one was suicidal enough to attempt to hurt Eren while the Boss was lounging like a languid panther next to him.

"Be thankful Eren didn't like Jersey Shore or some other nonsense shows. We had to go through every superhero, power rangers, and deranged animal character on TV. A suit is a lot less of a hassle, believe me."

"Oh Munchkin, that's so adorable. Eren looks so dashing."

"Of course he does. He looks beautiful in anything. Just hope he doesn't see anything else interesting. A suit is one thing. IF he starts demanding other things I'm handling the whole mess over to Petra and Isabel."

Hanji continued to watch Levi and Eren when her eyes fell on the tiny tie that the seven year old was wearing.

"Levi?"

He grunted. "What?" He gave a nod towards Pixis who brought another stack of documents for his inspection and sat in one of the plush armchairs to wait for his turn. His hands never stopped making notations as his eyes scanned the documents before him thoroughly.

"Is that a bespoke suit?"

"What do you think it is?"

"You're letting a seven-year old boy wear a Saville Row suit?"

Levi slashed another paragraph in the document he was reading, much to Pixis' chagrin. His eyes didn't waver from the paper in his hands as he answered simply. "I wear it, that's reason enough. Where else would I get him his suit?"

"Point. I mean, who wouldn't allow a toddler to toddle off wearing a suit that easily costs five figures? Especially since he's also gnawing on one of—yep, your ten-thousand dollar onyx and diamond cufflinks."

Lev finally raised his head from the stack of papers he was perusing to glare at Hanji when he caught up on what she was saying. "What the fuck are you talking—Eren! NO!" Levi vaulted over his desk, surprisingly avoiding upsetting the tower of documents on it and cradled the startled toddler's face in his hands, his deep voice soothing the boy's nerves, "No…No, baby, you don't play with those—you might choke! Spit those nasty things out! The pins might cut your mouth! Precious stop!"

Pixis, vice-president of SurveyCorp who sat there idly waiting for his document pile before Levi's rather surprising move was staring at the scene in confused bemusement. "That's what he's worried about?"

Farlan shrugged dismissively. "The cuffs are replaceable. Eren isn't. I've seen Levi destroy expensive things before when it stood between him and his baby. Remember that Queen Anne partner's desk that used to be in the smaller study? He reduced that to so much kindling when Eren got colic and puked all over his clothes. Believe me—he doesn't care if the cuffs are priceless. He'd toss those before he allows them to hurt his sweet Eren."

* * *

 

**PARENTAL CONTROL**

"Levi."

"What."

"Levi."

"I'm working."

"Levi!"

"Shitty Glasses. Can't you see I'm busy? What do you want?"

"Am I imagining things or is your precious Eren wearing a jacket made from the same smart fabric you forced me to develop?"

"What do you think?"

"I think I'm seeing a teenager wearing a jacket that's supposed to be made practically bulletproof and intended for soldiers fighting terrorist in some forgotten oubliette in the world."

"So why the hell are you telling me something so obvious?"

"Levi!"

Isabel bounced into the room with her usual manic cheer and waved towards the teen who was busy doing his homework on one of the other desk in Levi's main suite. "Isn't it cute Section Chief? The fabric you designed was so versatile we we're able to make use of it for a lot of our designs. Eren tests them out."

"Tests them? How many have you made?"

"To date? About six complete outfits."

"Enough for a week then?"

"That's right. He'll be testing them for this quarter."

"Isabel do you have any idea how much that fabric costs? Or what it's made of?"

"Big Bro said it's very durable. He didn't mention the cost though or why most of it is either in black, grey or white."

Hanji looked at Levi who was pointedly ignoring them and gave a smirk before jerking a thumb at the young teen. "That's because it's a proprietary product. That fabric is made of Kevlar and ultrathin carbon fiber. It's designed for combat situations. Its fire-proof, it retains body heat, allows the skin to breath and is virtually indestructible. It's the fabric equivalent of the Mercedes Maybach. And annoyingly enough, your brother insisted it must be hypoallergenic."

Isabel merely blinked before grinning. "Oh. No wonder he asked us to make all of Eren's clothes from it."

Hanji rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Figures. Millions of dollars on R&D just so he could have his precious protected by the smartest adaptable fabric in the world."

"Well, he hasn't asked us yet for a way to have it tagged right?"

Levi and Hanji both whipped their gaze towards Isabel. Hanji was gleefully cackling.

"Isabel! That's genius. I'll tell Erwin right away! A smart fabric that contains a gps particle! That's brilliant!" She ran out of the room rattling her ideas. Isabel shook her head in fond exasperation when she caught a glance at the look her boss was sporting and suppressed the urge to laugh out loud.

Levi gave Hanji's back a calculating look before he reached out and dialed a number. Isabel just got a hint that she'd be called on the design block again before the day was over.

* * *

 

**DATING WHOA**

_Six Years Old_

"Eren! Why did you run away?"

"She said-Levi she said that boys must marry girls! She said I hafta marry her!"

"Don't you want to?"

"No! I only love Levi! Levi is Eren's and Eren is Levi's! You said so!

"So I did."

"Then why don't you just marry me then? That way no one would take Levi from me. You'll just be mine like always!"

"You're too young yet to decide that, little one. Maybe when you're older, you can make a better decision."

"I won't change my mind!"

"If you say so. Well, if you can—I guess—keep that mindset until you're older, I'd agree to consider being yours."

"How much old?"

"When you're an adult—hmm…when you turn eighteen I guess and if you can still remember what we spoke of today then I will agree."

"You promise?"

"Sure."

"Okayl!

_Fifteen Years Old_

"I don't want to date anyone or escort anyone or anything of the sort!"

"Why?"

"I can't do something like that! Why won't you understand! I am already engaged!"

"What?

"Eren! When did you get engaged?!

"What are you talking about? You promised to marry me Levi! You said so when I was six! Was I wrong? Don't you want to marry me Levi?

"SO I did. Guess that settles that. No need to find Eren a date for the Prom. Send them away. None of them would do for my precious Eren anyways. Mikasa, dear, you can put away those knives now."

Hanji snickered. "God help any girl who expresses a fancy towards that poor boy."

Petra shuddered. "Can you just imagine the carnage?"

"Can you imagine it when Mikasa realizes that Eren's probably not kidding about marrying Levi?'

"Oh god help us—the two biggest Eren-obsessed maniacs battling it out for the hand of their Precious? Gods…we really need to make plans—like finding countries without extradition treaties with Trost."

"Way ahead of you—Levi, Erwin and I bought three separate private islands around the world."

"Good then—when worse comes to worst—and it will—we have somewhere to go."

"Thought so too."

TBC


	2. Education is Essential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School is hard enough on a regular basis but when your guardian happens to be a clean-freak, violence-prone, gun-totting former Hitman--the term quality education takes on a whole different meaning.

**EDUCATION IS ESSENTIAL**

**When things go wrong, don't go with them.**

**\- Anonymous**

* * *

 

 

** Four Years Old **

Petra Ral was five-feet five inches without heels, blessed with auburn hair, blue eyes, clear complexion and lithe, trim figure. She favored tailored suits, pearls accessories, sensible court shoes with two inch-heels and her hair in a neat chignon. She was organized, loved her job and occasionally traveled around the world for work and pleasure. She was a reasonable woman with above average intelligence and looks and a well of patience that should have her nominated for sainthood. She also has the unenviable job of inserting every bit of control and common sense to her trigger happy, former hitman of a boss especially when dealing with the one thing he is NEVER reasonable about.

 "Boss! You need to consider this. You have to send him to school! That’s what the law demands. Eren will turn four in six months and you need to think about finding a good nursery school for him."

Levi leveled a glare at Petra that would’ve dented Kevlar.

"Do I look like fucking care what the shitty government requires Petra? I'm a fucking contract killer for fuck's sake—the only legal thing I do is pay for my safety deposit box so that the banks don’t get on my ass!”

“Boss! Don’t say things like that! You’re not a hitman anymore—you’re a security consultant now, remember?! You’re legal and everything!”

“You want to talk legality go have a pow-wow with Eyebrows because he does all the necessary boss things, like file stupid income tax returns for people who gets paid for whacking idiots too dumb to be allowed to live."

"Boss, that’s not the point! In the eyes of the world you’re a law-abiding citizen with a child and so you need to send him to school!"

That’s right. Petra is locked in a bitter battle with her boss over the fact that his precious ward needs to attend Nursery school. Her boss, Levi Ackerman, Chief for Security for SurveryCorp, a billion-dollar enterprise was behaving like a possessive troll over the decision to have his ward educated.

**_"I don’t fucking need to send him anywhere I don’t fucking want! Why in the hell should I risk my precious little Eren in some shitty little hell-hole filled with flea-bitten, filthy, disgusting, snotty-nosed brats where he would likely contract some fatal disease from those unwashed filthy cretins? No!"_ **

 "He needs to learn things! He needs other children to learn how to socialize!"

"MY precious Eren is a just that--a precious, perfect, defenseless little baby! Why would he fucking need to socialize and learn to lie and be like every other shitty bastards on the planet? H’s perfect just the way he is—perfect, precious and innocent.”

“Boss, that’s not why you send toddlers to nursery for. Children needs guidance from educators, too. We need people who know things to teach Eren.”

“No! If he needs learning I could definitely find him fucking tutors that would teach him things and other shit."

"That’s what nursery school is for Boss!"

Levi stopped his pacing and jammed a finger at her face. She took a cautious step back as she noted the veritable steam that was just bursting to come out of his clearly pissed off visage. Bracing herself, she noted absently that half of her staff was already hiding beneath their tables and the corridors of their office wing was mysteriously deserted. When Levi spoke, it wasn’t with his usual gruff, bitten off phrases or his even more usual deadpan drawl. No, this time around Levi was positively fuming as he blew up at her like a dragon being asked to give up his precious hoard.

**_"I am not entrusting my Eren to some substance-abusing, wisecracking pedophile wanna-be that probably has a rap sheet longer than my fucking grocery shopping list  nor am I allowing my baby to be kept in a place that's probably a biohazard waiting to happen what with all those germs that’s floating unchecked all around undisinfected for years.”_ **

“Sir, the place is a highly recommended, exclusive private school that caters to the very elite. It’s not some ramshackle, backwoods operation we’re talking about here. There’s a waiting list and waivers and enough background checks to wonder who the heck sends their kids there.”

“If my Eren needs schooling, I will not have him going to a school that’s so snobbish they might inflict their asshole tendencies on my sweet baby. No, if I decide Eren needs schooling, then he would have it in the relative safety of this house.”

“Boss!”

“I have more than enough fucking room to convert one or three into a fucking classroom if that’s what he would need. I sure as hell have more than enough money to burn buying whatever educational shit any fucking institution would recommend."

"Fine. If that’s really what you want but he needs to start soon Boss. You do want was best for him don’t you?"

"Of course I want what’s best for him—Eren is mine—even the best wouldn’t be fucking _good_ enough.”

“Boss—Levi. You know we all love the little tyke. Eren needs school. We need to give him every advantage in the world because we know better. We need to offer him every advantage we could. And maybe you need to curb the colorful language a bit Boss.”

“Fine. Get me Moblit and Mike. They could do the background check for suitable tutors for my baby. I want the dossier of the suitable candidates on my desk no later than this weekend."

"Yes, Boss. Now that that's settled there's the matter of—Boss? Where are you going? We still have the—Boss?!"

"Reschedule. This discussion is stressing me the fuck out. For now I’m going to my quarters. I need a fucking hug."

* * *

****

** Five Years Old **

 

"Grumpy Munchkin, look at him, he's _lonely_."

Levi pushed Hanji until she tumbled off of his desk where she normally perched and ignored the half-hearted glare she leveled his way.

"Stop projecting your insecurities on my sweet Eren."

"Munchkin, much as I adore your scowling face—you need to get it through your stubborn noggin—YOU may not need other people but your baby needs to get out of this expensive, elaborate little fortress you've built for him. Heck, darling—even pets get to be taken outside and walked out every once in a while to keep them healthy and sane."

"My Eren is not some pathetic pet, you disturbed little sociopath. And stop calling my damned house a fucking fortress! Just because you enjoy living in a hovel that allows access to every damned fucker who can rub two cents together doesn’t mean it applies to everyone."

“You have a trained army lounging like a pride of hyenas 24/7 in this little shack of yours, Munchkin. Your baby has better security than most royal families and heads of state. You even assigned him two bodyguards who were trained for counter-terrorism for Sina’s sake!”

“Eren is the most precious person in this house. He must be protected.”

"You need to let him attend regular school. His tutors are fine for the weekends but he needs kids his own age. It will teach him how to interact."

Levi’s eyes gleamed in the light of his office and a new intern fainted. Hanji and Levi paid the scene no mind and a helpful minion cleared the scene with the wave of a passing Petra’s hand.

"He doesn’t need to learn that. Eren is _brilliant_ with people. Everyone in this fucking house adores him."

Hanji snorted. "And well they should. Like they could be anything else with you hovering around them and threatening to castrate them if _your_ precious Eren so much as sniffles.”

“Those bastards needed to learn that there are things in this world that are sacrosanct—Eren just happens to be one of those things. Of course, they’d better fucking behave. Besides, Eren has interaction with people. Everyone in this fucking house adores him. He even has fucking Kenny that greedy, war-mongering idiot eating out of his tiny hands and that’s not something I ever thought any one human could manage with that stubborn, pain-in-my-fucking-ass Bastard."

"And well they should. But Levi--everyone in this house is trained killer. You want your baby to grow up interacting and mimicking criminal masterminds—“

“What criminal mastermind? We work with criminal masterminds Big Bro?”

“Isabel, what did I say about eavesdropping and interruptions?”

Isabel blinked at him with all the wide-eyed innocence of a country bumpkin that just fell off the wagon. “You said something about that Big Bro?”

Levi sighed. “I give up.” A split second later he pinned his subordinate and little-sister-wanna-be with a fierce glare. “What the hell are you doing here anyways? You’re supposed to be with Eren.”

Isabel waved a hand cradling a familiar looking toy that oddly enough was wearing a scowl.

“The wee munchkin wants his teddy. Left it here. Don’t know what he sees in it, frankly. It’s a scowly teddy and I never even thought they even made one.”

Hanji cackled a reply. “Levi had it commissioned especially for Eren.”

Isabel nodded her head. “That makes so much sense now.”

“The fuck are you two morons talking about—?”

“Anyways, I told Farlan to barricade the door when I left and we set up passwords. I’ll be back in a minute. So, Big Bro who’s the criminal mastermind we work for?”

“Kenny. Some of the time. And that fucking Bastard Eyebrows.”

“Oh! How about—?”

“—Sociopaths, psychopaths?”

“Yes, those Big Bro. Who they?”

“Hanji and me.”

“Not to mention assassins and roughnecks—“

“Literally everyone else. Including Farlan and yourself.”

“Ah Big Bro, I’m perfectly normal! Well, some of the time.”

Hanji waved a hand to indicate the cackling Isabel as she left the room. “See what I mean? You want your baby to grow up interacting with and mimicking no one else but assassins and roughnecks? You really think people who are violent and swears like drunken sailors are the best company for a growing, impressionable child?”

 Hanji gave Levi an especially lurid smile as she waved a hand at the pictures assembled on his desk before glancing towards the only photograph that graced his desk. It was of his precious ward playing with a small brown toy poodle. The smile that lit Eren’s face made everyone who saw it smile back.

“Especially one as innocent as Eren? For the love of Sina just imagine what kind of life he would have for the rest of his life surrounded by those examples, never mind during his formative, impressionable years! The only relatively normal people in this house is Petra but she can’t be around forever because she married Eyebrows and the only other option he has might as well be Moblit and that man married me!"

Levi glared at Hanji for a full minute, seething at her implications before grimacing in disgust. He ran a hand across his face before muttering in annoyance, "Ah fucking—that’s—Petra!"

A beat of two later, Petra’s head peaked around his door. “Yes Boss?”

"What’s the name of that shitty school you recommended last year? I need the fucking dossier on that shithole."

"I'll update it and give you the files later Boss."

"Go do that and while you at it, see if we can have someone fumigate the place and have it inspected if it’s up to code. I am not sending Eren there until everything in that fucking shithole is up to my fucking standard."

"That might take some time Boss--we don’t have access to those channels yet but I could take another look. And your standards Boss—but no offense, there’s not a lot of places that would pass muster where your standards are concerned unless we're talking about the Waldorf Astoria, White House or Buckingham Palace."

"So I have fucking standards—!”

“—Impossibly high standards…”

“Fine! Fucking high standards--sue me."

"Boss?"

"Fine, I'll deal with it. I'll have fucking Eyebrows see to that.  That fucker better be good for something other than cursing the world with those monstrous eyebrows of his."

 

* * *

 

** PRESCHOOL **

** Five Years Old **

 

"Levi! What are you—is that a **flame thrower**?"

"Yep. Just got it fresh off the armory."

Hanji blinked. "Armory--when did you get an _armory_?"

"I had one built when I got final custody of my precious baby. My Eren needs to be protected at all cost. I can’t be caught fucking unprepared just because I am lacking supplies and resources. That’s just bad parenting and just plain dumb. I'm thinking of having a bunker of sorts built somewhere in the ground. I needed to be prepared for everything. Petra be a dear and see to it would you--or ask Fucking Eyebrows--knowing that bastard he might already have one. Now, if you'll excuse me Shitty Glasses, I something important to attend to."

"Boss! Doc! You have to stop him!"

"Petra I told you to get off my case!"

"Boss you have to stop! You can’t do this!"

"The fuck I can’t! That fucker deserves this!"

"Boss you can’t torch a five-year old kid’s home just because he didn’t want to sit next to Eren!"

"That little _pissant_ thinks he's _better_ than my precious Eren! Who does that fucking snot-nosed little termite think he is to snub my darling little angel? Doesn’t that little shit know he's being given the privilege of being near someone precious and perfect?!"

"I know and I understand Boss but he's just a child--he doesn’t know any better! He's allowed not to like whoever he wants!"

"Are you telling me my precious Eren is unlikable?"

"No! But he is just a little boy and Eren didn’t mind, did he? He was okay with it, right Boss?"

"That’s because Eren is too sweet and innocent for his own good. He doesn’t understand that sometimes shitty people diss you for no good fucking reason!"

"Eren said he was okay when the boy moved. He told you himself, didn’t he? Said he didn’t smell as clean as you and he didn’t like that."

"Of course, he would have a valid, god-damned fucking reason for his actions. My precious baby is not some unreasonable, smelly heathen. My Eren has discerning tastes. He wouldn’t settle for some fucking brat who smells like sweat and dirt and other nasty shit. He knows better and he will never have to again if I have anything to say about it. Now, get the fuck out of my way so that I could rid the world of just one grimier, snot-nosed fucktard who has it coming."

“BOSS!!! You can’t do that! What would he think if he sees you with that thing?! Remember last time when you brought that grenade? He almost pulled the pin!”

“Fine! But Eren will not be forced to interact with that boy, you hear me?”

“Yes, Boss. Eren said it was fine.”

“Of course he would. Precious is too fucking kind for this shitty world.”

“See, Boss? Now, will you please put the flamethrower down before he sees you? Remember the last time—he asked if you’re going to use that for marshmallows.”

“Fucking had to demonstrate it—damned waste of firepower. Those fucking marshmallows wouldn’t cooperate. They just kept melting off like some fucking slag.”

 

* * *

 

** ELEMENTARY SCHOOL **

 

** Eight Years Old **

 

 "Boss!"

"Levi--what the heck are you doing with that rocket launcher?!"

"I'm getting rid of some fucking vermin who decided in his infinite stupidity that he is somewhat entitled to taint my precious angel."

"Taint--Boss! You can't send a rocket towards a suburban area!"

"Watch me! Now, get away from the fucking door while I   teach that shit-stain of a teacher the consequence of pinching my Eren!"

"Levi! He didn’t pinch Eren! He was just nudging him to keep him in line!"

" _Nudging him_? **Nudging my baby**? Have you _seen_ the size of that fucker?! He's close enough to 200 lbs. if he’s an inch and he decides to nudge my precious Eren like its nothing to worry about? My baby came home with bruises on his arm! Fucking bruises you fucking Shitty Glasses! Bruises on my precious Eren! I can practically print a fucking copy of his prints from the depth of those marks! That fucktard doesn’t deserve to live! Not after what he’s done!!"

Erwin stared at his business partner and tried desperately to resist the urge to groan. "You can’t just march into suburbia and launch a rocket on a man for doing his job Levi!"

"Is that a dare Fucking Eyebrows?"

"Look—if you must, we can have Eren moved to a different class--!"

"I will not have you blaming my precious baby for this incident! I don’t want him feeling it was his fucking fault when it isn’t!"

"Fine, we’ll have the teacher relocated to a different class--

"Country."

"Levi!"

"Fine. State."

"Levi...don’t be unreasonable."

"I'm not getting my knives--I am reasonable."

"Fine, we're relocating the man to the furthest state from here okay?"

"Fine."

"Good."

"But if this happens again--if my baby is hurt again--you don’t get to stop me again, is that fucking clear?"

"Crystal."

 

==

Hanji and Erwin watched their incensed friend mumble threats under his breath as he moved to disassemble the weapon he carried with him before facing each other. Hanji gave a smirk.

“SO you really transferring the man one state over?”

Erwin gave out a delicate snort. “Don’t be daft Hanji, of course not. Levi would wake up one day with an itch to kill and a mere state or county line won’t protect that hapless buffoon. I'm having the man offered a position in the outer reaches of Alaska. It’s either that or the outer limits of the Ural mountains”

Hanji blinked. “Okay. Those are some oddly specific and weird choices though Boss. Why there, though? Any particular reason, oh brilliant Chief of mine?”

“Levi hates the cold. He'd never go there unless he has no other choice.”

“Huh. You are a very smart man. And an utterly evil one.”

“I know. I don’t know how I can live with myself.”

“Maybe that’s the reason you have us.”

“Don’t scare me like that.”

 

* * *

 

** MIDDLE SCHOOL **

 

“What  did you just say Eld?”

“Uhm…Boss?”

“I don’t have much time on my hands Eld so you better get to spitting out whatever you came here to report.”

“Y-yes Boss. There’s been a development with the school personnel that’s going to be within the little boss’ class schedule.”

“What kind of development?”

Eld desperately wished something—someone would come and interrupt his debrief. The news he’s bringing wasn’t even close to the realm of okay or acceptable. It’s so far from it that he might as well tell his Boss he decided to take up exotic dancing. It would surely be safer and less lethal for everyone concerned.

“Eld. Don’t make me repeat myself. You’d regret it.”

“Yes Boss. Uhm—one of our techs unearthed a file on some of little boss’ would-be teachers.”

“Like what?”

 “There’s the matter regarding the guy that’s scheduled to be little boss’ gym teacher. He has a prior.”

“Drugs, weapons, robbery or assault?”

“Assault.”

“Convicted?”

“Boss—it was assault on a minor.”

“What kind of assault are we talking about here?”

“Sexual. The man was charged but he was never registered as a sex offender. The victim was a teenager—14 year old male—he was trying to drag the boy into his car, smacked and bruised up the boy a bit before they attracted attention—Boss!“

Eld clung to his report as his superior started inspecting the Glock he didn’t even see the man pull out of nowhere. He also didn’t trust the predatory gleam shining from the man’s gunmetal eyes. When his boss turned to him with a faint smirk, Eld felt an icy shiver crawl up his spine and wondered idly if today would be his last.

“Eld…”

“Y-yes B-Boss.”

“Terminate him. I will not have my sweet Eren exposed even a single day to the danger of that animal being in close proximity. Have him put down. Make it brutal and make sure that the man’s former victim knows that the animal that frightened him is gone. Also, run the background checks again and this time include anyone who would have even the flimsiest excuse to be anywhere within a five-mile radius of my Eren.”

“Y-yes B-boss. I would attend to it immediately.”

“Good. And Eld?”

“Yes Boss?”

“Make sure that Eren has a Taser added to his back-pack. I don’t think a whistle and a Swiss pocket knife would be able to cut it.”

“Yes Boss.”

 

* * *

 

** JUNIOR HIGH **

 

"LEVI!!! Erwin do something! He's bringing out his sniper rifle!"

"Levi! Put the rifle down and tell us what’s wrong."

"What’s _wrong?_ **_What's fucking wrong_**? Let me tell you what's fucking wrong--a pathetic fucking worm decided it was his last day on earth because this morning he took a swing and punched something he didn’t even know he shouldn’t even look at let alone touch.”

"What?”

"Some fucktard of a brat punched my Eren! Did you hear that Shitty Glasses?! My precious baby, my angel came home in tears! IN TEARS!!! With a fucking bruise blooming on his precious face marring his skin and making him look like he's been battered by a two-by-four! DO you have any idea how much pain I felt when I saw him like that? Eren is not supposed to cry! His tears are meant for fucking happy things! Not for shitty excuses like being in pain because a fucking stupid corpse decided punching my baby is permitted!"

"Did you find out why he punched Eren?"

"My precious baby is too fucking kind for his own good. He didn’t want to give the boy his lunch money and he didn’t allow him to fucking steal it from someone else from Eren's class. But those fucking animals just watched as that fucking shithole punched my baby--MY PRECIOUS EREN! That animal is getting put down and I am doing it myself before he spreads his evil and taint my baby any further.

"Levi. Look, let’s be reasonable about this—!”

"On no, I am not allowing you to stop me this time Shitty Glasses. _And NO, I am not listening to your excuses Fucking Eyebrows_. **_I am done_**. No one is hurting my baby. I am taking him out of that hellhole and I am getting him a tutor—fuck that I would hire him a dozen fucking tutors if that’s what’s required by the fucking law. If that doesn’t work--I will fucking build a school for him myself.

"LEVI!! That’s brilliant. Let’s do that. Build our own school. We have kids and our employees would know how to behave properly.

"Good. Great. Do that Bushy Brows. Get your little minions busy doing whatever the fuck it is they need to do to get things done. I still have a fucking bully to bully back. So, if you would excuse me.”

"Fine. But leave the rifle."

"No.”

"Levi—the boy is only _THIRTEEN_ years old."

"He's a fucking delinquent you mean. He's a fucking criminal-wanna be is what he is. One that’s been allowed to roam free for a fucking decade without anyone knowing the wiser. It’s high time for me to corral that feral ass and put it down like it deserves."

"Levi. Leave the rifle.”

“Fine.”

“Levi.”

"What, I left the fucking gun."

"All the guns please."

"You motherfucking, bushy-browed piece of shit."

Erwin stood his ground until Levi removed a Glock, his paired, custom-made Berettas and a small .22 caliber pistol he kept on him at all times that he manages to hide god knows where.

"And the knives. All of your knives please. Yes, Levi even the ones hidden inside the soles of your boots. The ones on the tips are just a pain to remove so just take out the spring loaders.”

"Fuck!"

Levi lifted the hem of his pants and stripped the small knife he had sheathed on his ankle, stomped his right foot until he shook lose the small blade from his shoe and reached into his sleeve to pull out his favorite stiletto.

"The garrote, too Levi.  And the dynamite. That grenade. Those poisoned darts. Just—everything else that could and might be considered a weapon. Yes, including that cravat pin you wear and the cufflinks. Don’t give me that look—I was there when you had them made—I know what they are and what they can be used for and no, I don’t need to know what other mind-blowing modification you had that poor smith to add when you persuaded that man to make them. He was showing fangs and salivating. It was fairly disturbing.”

“I didn’t do anything except tell him to do a quick and competent job Eyebrows.”

“Yeah right—and you did all that while slowly sharpening a knife right next to the man’s wrist. I can see how utterly persuasive you were then. And give me your wallet."

"What the fuck for?"

"The last time someone allowed that to remain in your possession, you managed to assassinate that cartel guy who was muscling in our territory in the middle of Trost's most exclusive men’s haberdashery. You're too much of a risk with something as flexible as credit cards and ids."

"Fucking Eyebrows--what if I need something? Do I have to carry a pocketful of change?"

"Of course not. I told you--everything you can use and be considered as a weapon--that includes harmless coins you can and will probably use as a damn projectile. Bring a wad of used bills. New bills can have really sharp edges to them."

"You want my fucking clothes too?"

"Are those the wired ones?"

"No. They’re at the dry cleaners."

"Then they’re fine. You can go now."

Hanji was cackling the entire time and simply dodged when Levi tried to kick her head in annoyance. She kept her eyes on the small mountain of weaponry left behind by their lethal, perpetually angry-looking friend.

“You know, this makes me wonder how the hell he ever gets past all those metal detectors in the building.”

Erwin gave a simple shrug as he too, contemplated the mass of weapons Levi managed to carry with him on a daily basis even within the confines of his own home.

“I try never think of how he does what he does. Less stress for me.”

"Erwin--you do know he can kill using a single sheet of paper right?"

"I left him some crumpled bills and no money clips or loose metal of any sort."

"That might be enough. He can be awfully creative when motivated."

“That’s true enough. That man can turn virtually anything into a weapon.”

“Hey, Erwin, Mike once said that you sent Levi on a mission with just tweezers when he pissed you off. That true?”

“Unfortunately. Much to my utter dismay I learned never to do that again.”

“Why. He didn’t fail, did he?”

“No, of course, he didn’t. He just found sixteen ways to kill using those damned tweezers.”

“Okay, that’s something.”

“Tell me about it. I refuse to consider, on principle, what that man could accomplish with a simple toiletry case.”

“Then maybe I shouldn’t be worried he pocketed a packet of wet wipes then?”

"Don’t give me nightmares woman."

 

* * *

 

** SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL **

 

“Petra, what shit is this?”

“The dossiers you asked about Eren’s teachers. I had the boys run background checks. I must say boss, I thought that perv in grade school was a one off but this school needs some major overhaul with the kind of thing going down in it. Especially when Eren’s going there next year.”

“You recommended this school.”

“Correction—President Erwin recommended this school because this was his Alma Mater and this is the most exclusive and competitive school in the entire state. Or as he was quick to point out and I quote: ‘ _It’s the closest school that will fulfill Levi’s monstrous empty-nest syndrome without leaving behind craters and bodies_ ’ end quote.”

“And now you’re telling me it’s just the same shithole kind of hell that may be found in four hundred others in the projects and the only difference is the address is more upscale and the fees are criminal, is that it?”

“Well apparently the school management changed hands after the last headmaster was there and it’s now controlled by a corporation and a board of directors that see to the day-to-day operations of this school and other learning centers under their corporate affiliates. It is still the most academically competitive school in the country—just that the standards for hiring has been less stringent over the years. So—shall I start transfer proceedings and background checks for another candidate school?”

“It’s just more work. Let’s just try and clean up this mess. If this is the best school closest to our area then we might as well consider options to optimize our association with this learning center. If my Eren must stay in school—then I prefer one closer and he doesn’t have to stay as a boarder. I don’t intend to have those poncy, pansy-ass wimps to taint my baby if he moves beyond my scope of interest.”

“Yes Boss. Shall I move on to the most critical personnel?”

“The most critical? What, there’s a scale of shitstains in this school?”

“Yeah Boss…the first one on the list is the school nurse.”

“What’s this one done now?”

“Runs a small-time drug ring. Supplies steroids, uppers that sort of thing. Does a side business of abortion drugs too but not as consistent as her other markets.”

“Take her and dump her ass to the DEA. Have her license revoked and make sure she doesn’t come up to even a state closer than Alaska. Persuade her that if she doesn’t do what you tell her—she’ll be the one drowning in the shit she’s peddling.”

“Yes Boss.”

“Why are you still here?”

“There’s three more names on this list Boss and they’re just for Eren’s first year. Also—there’s been a rumor that a member of the Board likes boys a little too much for comfort. No charges were made on official channels but his bank account has been pretty active for a couple of years.”

“What the fuck—get me Auruo, Mike, Gunther and Eld in here pronto! I want this school scrubbed of all unsavory bozos, you hear me? Start with that Board member—gods why are there too many fucked up geezers in the school that just preys on harmless children? I swear to the fucking hounds of hell I will feed them to a bunch of fucking hyenas myself.”

“Yes Boss.”

“Make a note to include me when they snitch the pig. I want to watch them get creative. Tell them to pick a weekend or a holiday so no one can miss the fucking stiff.”

“Of course Boss. Shall we include the trainees?”

“Might as well make it a useful exercise. And while you’re at it—call Hanji will you. I want her to persuade that bastard Bushy-Brows to make a sizable investment sometime in the immediate future. By that I mean no later than a month from now. Have Mike swing by after lunch so that I he can draw up the preliminary drafts for our newest acquisition.”

“Newest Acquisition? We have new business coming is Boss? What kind of investment will it be?”

“I’m thinking it’s time the organization buy in on the cash-cow that is the educational system. There’s a school that’s soon going to be really understaffed and on the brink of scandal and legal battles. I’m pretty sure we can acquire the whole junk heap for a steal.”

“Remind me again not to piss you off Boss.”

“I really should’ve just done this ages ago. Looking for a suitable place to educate my sweet darling has been such a fucking strain. Why in the hell did you people stop me from getting tutors again?”

“You nearly destroyed the career and reputation of nearly fifty of them when you decimated their credentials on every social media platform you deemed necessary.”

“My sweet Eren is to be educated by men of learning, not hacks trying for the fastest con they can think of just in the hopes of liberating me of my hard-earned money. Besides, I did hire some of them right?”

“Boss, you killed three of those hapless men. The first was when you saw one eyeing Eren with as you ranted as ‘ _the same leering, salivating look a starving hyena had over carcass it wanted to desecrate_ ’. That one you sent somewhere as a gift so like-minded sickos could enjoy him. The other you tied to a crate and pushed off a plane when he raised his voice and made Eren cry and the last one, you had carted off into some kind of torture chamber when he smacked your sweet boy’s hands when he didn’t raise his hand to answer.”

“Oh yeah. Well…that was a chore. Things became such a hassle.”

“Getting rid of the bodies?”

“No. Cleaning up the blood afterwards. Eren is apparently allergic to blood. Makes him sneeze.”

“You got us blacklisted from every agency that had tutors on their roster.”

“I did them a favor by weeding out the bad ones. Especially with that fucker who kept leering at my Eren like my baby was dessert and he was a starving piece of shit just released from famine. Seriously, I grew up fucking starved but I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone drool over a steak that way that fucked up bastard drooled over my ward. That fucker had it coming.”

* * *

 

** Sixteen Years Old **

****

Hanji was watching as Petra ran around trying to pacify her clearly enraged boss. Hanji was trying to as well, though she knew her convincing powers were less than ideal.

“Levi!!! I told you—you can’t keep trying to kill people every single time Eren argues with someone! It’s part of growing up! He’s already bloody sixteen! ”

“Tell me you aren’t fucking standing there telling me that I should allow some petty fucking wanna-be tyrant to torment my Eren and willfully destroy his property just because he defended his friend from being called names!”

“Levi—you have grounds—but this is Eren’s fight. He needs to learn to make a stand for himself—it will help him grow up. He needs to stand by his decisions and prove that he’s capable of withstanding to pressure and bullying. He needs to show his mettle.”

“I know Eren’s has a sensitive heart—his fucking feelings will be hurt because they destroyed something he valued—that’s the reason he was so fucking sad last night. Those fucking bastards destroyed one the book he always carried with him.”

“Oh no—you mean the book you gave him when he was—oh the poor darling!“

“Yes. SO, now that you know, you really need to get out of my way. He wouldn’t even look at me thinking I’d blame him!”

“But Levi you can’t—really you can’t—remember—the principal said one more incident and Eren will be expelled. This is his senior year—we can’t jeopardize this and Eren has lots of friends in this school. He’ll be devastated if he gets expelled.”

“Fuck. Fine. If I can’t exact revenge—I have to find something else. Or better yet— _someone_ else.”

“Someone— _Levi no!!_ Please no! Not that—gods anything but that! Please—Boss—!”

**_“MIKASA!!!”_ **

“Boss! NO STOP—!”

The double doors of Levi’s private suite opened and in stalked a young woman with strikingly alluring features. Pale flawless complexion like white jade and hair like ebony silk that flowed down to her hips, she was clad in the first-stare of fashion and accessorized by a simple crimson scarf. Her face was finely crafted with high sweeping cheekbones, slim nose and thin pale lips. Her eyes, thickly fringed, were identical to her Uncle’s startling gun metal grey. Like a fragile and utterly captivating mannequin come to life, Mikasa Ackerman glided into the room like a proud lioness and stood at attention in front of her smirking Uncle.

“Yes Uncle Levi. You bellowed for me. That’s unusual.”

“Mikasa have you heard the news?” Levi’s voice was uncommonly soft and Petra could feel Mikasa’s aloof air stirring.

“Boss please!”

“I’m not quite sure what news you’re talking about since I wasn’t around yesterday remember? I was with Grand-Pere Kenny. What is this about?” Her voice, when she spoke was cool.

“It’s about Eren.”

“Boss!”

Mikasa blinked and then her entire demeanor suddenly changed. From aloof to alert in a mere second or two—her cold eyes sharp, her voice silken. “Eren? What about my Precious? Did something happen to Precious?”

“Boss!! Mikasa—it’s nothing! Levi is just exaggerating! “

“Some fucktards from your school broke into his locker and messed his things.”

“WHAT.” the words were clipped and icy.

“They rifled through his things and then tossed them on the floor and then—“

  
“Then?”

“They stomped all over it.”

Mikasa hissed. “Those animals! How dare them!”

“Apparently Eren talked back to them when they were harassing that friend of his, you know him, the one they called Armin. Eren caught them knocking Armin around and well—you know how impulsive our Eren can be when it comes to the people he cares about.”

Mikasa gave out a fond, if sad sigh, “Oh Precious—I told him to control that brashness of his. But it’s understandable since Armin is Precious’ bestfriend.”

Levi was stacking his document nonchalantly as he continued. “Well. They got to his locker and destroyed his things—even _the Book_.”

“No!! Not _The Book_?! Those monsters!”

Levi pinned Mikasa with a look. “Our poor Eren was upset Mikasa—quite upset.”

“Precious was upset? No…Precious must never be upset.”

“Quite. I’ve never seen such a thing— _ever_. His eyes were red when he got home yesterday afternoon and he didn’t eat dinner. It was his favorite meal and he skipped—he didn’t even ask for dessert. It gets worse. Mikasa—precious was crying in his sleep. He _sniffled_.”

Mikasa’s breath was becoming agitated and the glint in her eyes was becoming close to feral as her voice descended into a low growl. “Not eat dinner…no dessert…crying…Precious in tears…no, no…that’s not right. Not that’s not right at all.”

“Darling Eren didn’t eat no matter what I offered. He must’ve spent half the night sobbing. He looked so sad, he was pouting.”

“ ** _Pouting!!”_** Mikasa was incensed.

Levi smirked before murmuring softly, “Did I tell you—Eren came home with a busted lip and bruises on his knuckles. His clothes were a mess and he was bleeding—”

**_“Bastards.”_** Mikasa hissed. Her fists was closed into fists and her chest was visibly heaving before she controlled herself. Her eyes fell close as she murmured. “I see. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Please contact Uncle Erwin and have him deal with the principal post haste. He has certainly outlived his usefulness if he has allowed such filth to come into school. I must attend to this matter immediately.”

“Of course.”

She turned to go but she stopped and tossed a question over her shoulder. “Uncle, may I be permitted to get some supplies?”

Levi gave her a nod and a smile. “The armory and supply room are at your disposal.”

“Thank you. Goodnight Uncle Levi. Please excuse me while I exterminate a few rabid animals. Don’t wait up. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Boss! Mikasa dear—shouldn’t you think things through—they’re just children!”

“They ceased being innocents when they decided they had the gall to hurt Precious. No one hurts Precious and lives— ** _no one_**.” Mikasa snarled.

“Boss!”

“Happy hunting dear. Shall I tell Eren you’ll see him tomorrow?”

“Please tell my Precious that I will be by to pick him up from school. Is your personal storage also open?”

Levi smirked as he waved a languid hand. “It is dear. Feel free to use whatever you need. Goodnight dear.”

“Goodnight Uncle. Pleasant evening, Ms. Petra!”

“Boss!! Why did you do that?”

“AS you pointed out—I can’t get involved or my Eren will get expelled. Though I doubt that Principal would have the balls to do something like that—doubt that fucker has the balls to even look at me in the eye—I am conceding to your advice. I am staying out of the matter.”

“But you told Miss Mikasa!”

“So I did. And what’s wrong with telling Mikasa?”

“Boss—when it comes to Eren—she might just be worse than you. _Might_ being the _operative_ word. Those boys might not survive—screw that—they really won’t have a chance at all. Miss Mikasa will skin them alive then fillet them if they’re still breathing!”

“Well, why the fuck do you think I called for her? I understand perfectly well what she’s capable of when it comes to my Eren. That’s the main reason I tolerate her possessiveness over Eren—she’s better than a guard dog or a bodyguard.”

“That’s because Miss Mikasa is worse than an avenging bitch goddess with nesting instincts when it comes to Eren.”

“My point exactly. Now, please plan for a really good lunch time menu. Mikasa would be hungry come tomorrow. Exacting divine punishment is a very strenuous affair.”

“I should probably alert Mike and Moblit.”

“That’s if there’s enough of those cretins to actually file for a lawsuit, then by all means.”

“Boss, where are you going?”

Levi smirked. “Me? I’ll be visiting my Precious baby. He needs those wounds taken cared of and well, I wouldn’t be much of a guardian if I don’t spoil him after such a harrowing ordeal.”

Petra paled. “Boss! Think of the household budget! I just had them properly audited!!”

 

* * *

 

 


	3. Commander Contemplates the Company He Keeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin's life has never been typical nor chaos free since he met his friends. Adding a baby to the equation just seemed to make it a lot worse

_**Authors Note:**_ This thing is taking a life of its own and I don't know why so I kind of figured—why the heck not, right? Standard Disclaimer and all that other nonsense applies.

This is where Erwin comes into the picture because after all—who else but the bushy-browed boss would suffer for having someone like Levi in his life?

* * *

 

**COMMANDER CONTEMPLATES THE COMPANY HE KEEPS**

_"If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs,_

_You probably don't fully understand the situation."_

_\- Anonymous_

* * *

 

_**WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND** _

ERWIN did not know what he did wrong or who he pissed off in his past life for the entire universe to suddenly drop kick his ass into this weirdest level of hell. Dante might've written about the nine levels of hell but with the way things are happening, he just might find hell level thirteen.

All he did was follow the path is parents designated for him. He went to the right schools, achieved success at a moderately young age, indulged in acceptable hobbies and indulged alcohol with the same judicious air he would've applied when choosing evening companions or start-up ventures.

His one admitted vice, if he would be honest, was his propensity for gravitating towards unusual and interesting characters. In short, William Erwin Smith IV, privileged scion, member of the entitled moneyed Elite has a known and well-acknowledged habit of picking up strays.

And right now, he is locked in a bitter debate with the most ornery of his chosen few.

"Levi, you're 19 years old—you can't just adopt a child out of the blue, especially one you've found bundled in a box. Besides, you're little more than a child yourself."

Levi pinned his boss and friend with a look that seemed to leech out every inch of warmth within the room they were both in. It was certainly intimidating enough that Erwin noted absently that no one came even within an inch closer to his door despite the expected heavy foot traffic he had had to deal with on a daily basis.

"Bite your tongue you fucking Bushy Browed Bastard. I am not a child. Hell, I wasn't a kid even when I was sure I was supposed to be one. And despite my size—I do have a brain that works just fine."

Erwin called for every ounce of patience and tact in his not inconsiderable arsenal and tried once again to the obstinate force of nature he considers a friend. "Levi—this decision—you can't make this decision on your own—"

"Why?" Levi's tone has taken a sharper edge and Erwin could see the stubborn set of Levi's jaw clench once—a clear, tell-tale sign of Levi's agitation. His voice, when he spoke was mocking. "Is there a special rule somewhere that only rich people, horny celebrities, pretentious idiots and privileged heirs with eyebrows the size of caterpillars get to make life altering decision without consulting a magic eight ball otherwise the world as you know it collapses?" he sneered.

Erwin couldn't help but grin at the clearly bristling young man in front of him. "I'm surprised you managed cram that much insult in something that sounds half-way convincing."

"If you haven't been wagging those freaky eyebrows at me, I would've made it more than halfway" Levi deadpanned.

Erwin knew that Levi was at his most stubborn when he sounded the most unconcerned.

"Levi, this diversion is not going to work—you know me better than that."

"Something I really wish I didn't."

"You must understand that all I am doing is looking out for your interests and this decision is not something you can just rush into—"

"I want him."

The delivery stymied him. The moments when Levi expressed desire for something occurred less than a handful of times and he'd still have fingers on that same hand to spare. Levi had always been self-sufficient and surprisingly unprepossessing when it comes to possessions. His wants—such as they were—had been scarcely addressed as to even register to most, even his closest companions. Other than the man's absolute tyranny when it comes to matters of cleaning, Levi is a man who makes very little demands on life.

"I know you do. However, that doesn't change anything—"

"It does for me. I haven't wanted a lot of things in my life. Haven't found a need for a roomful of clutter, I'm not a fucking hoarder. But this one I want. Finders Keepers, Bushy Brows."

He knew he was going to lose—it was only a matter of stubborn willfulness on his part that insisted he try a little further. "A baby is not a possession Levi for you to own."

Levi scoffed. His tone when he spoke was heavy with derision. "Like I don't understand shit like that? Between the two of us, remind me again who grew up scrounging in the darkest armpit of humanity because the licentious fucker that knocked up their naïve mother refused to grow a fucking spine and turned tail? Stop wasting my time and my breath, Bushy Brows. Get those idiot stooges of yours off their lazy privileged ass and start them working. My Precious needs a lot of baby shit and stuff. I want him to feel at home as soon as possible."

He sighed. "You don't even know his name Levi."

Levi lips pursed as he muttered. "I'm working on it. If I don't get any viable results, I will give him a name myself. That's not a big deal Eyebrows. You're either given a name or you earn one yourself. My brat will have one just the same."

Erwin consigned his future peace of mind to the ether. There was no reasoning with his Chief of Security. When Levi lays claim to something—it remains claimed. He might as well conserve his energy for the coming days. His future is now well and truly complicated—made more so by this stubborn, feral man-child he consider to be one of his best friends who insists—nay—demands that he allow him to keep a baby for his own.

Truly, which deity did he unknowingly offend for this to be his life?

He glared at his clearly gloating Chief of Security. "Stop looking so damned smug. You will not drag me into your mess, you hear me?"

Levi smirked. "I wasn't aware I was inviting you for joint custody Fucking Bushy Brows. You would be right next to Shitty Glasses on the list of people I wouldn't even potentially consider."

Erwin snorted. "You can't keep picking up strays like this."

"You're one to speak—you started this entire stray thing when you allowed Mike to follow you home like a hulking silent mutt, you bloody hypocrite."

This time it was Erwin who turned his head with a huff. "We are not talking about my choices when it comes to picking up strays to bring home."

"Oh?"

"We're talking about yours."

"What about them?"

"Farlan and Isabel."

"What about them?"

"One is a certifiable kleptomaniac that rivals a crow when it comes to shiny things and the other is a scarily polite, smiley high functioning sociopath."

Levi blinked. "So they have personal quirks, who doesn't? They do their job don't they? What else could you ask for in an assistant? On the other hand you have Pixis, Nanaba, and that damned evil-eyed trainer Shadis who looks like he was apprenticed under Torquemada himself."

"They're all professionals—Nanaba has an MBA, Shadis is a licensed trainer and Pixis is a decorated war veteran, even."

"Yes, when dinosaurs roamed the earth." Levi replied.

Erwin raised a brow. "Gunther. Eld." Erwin paused before smirking. "Former gang member." Levi just stared at him unapologetically. "Aurou—groupie-mindset that one."

Levi scoffed. "Are we scraping the bottom of the barrel now? You have an entire personal empire created and a building filled with foolish sheep you recruited to join your cult."

"They're employees. I paid them to come and wander around and be useful. If this was my cult, they would be paying me, not the other way around."

"Says the man who picked up Hanji, you insane fucker. Talk about fucking choices."

This time, Erwin turned towards Levi and imperiously declared complete with an extended index finger, "Get your facts straight, Levi—I did not pick up Hanji."

Levi smirked. "No, you're right. Technically—you didn't pick up Shitty Glasses—she picked you and then followed you home where you could no longer kick her on the curb because she's grown on you like a damned barnacle."

"The child you wish to claim is—"

"My brat is not a stray. As for Farlan and the others—they're not strays—I don't pick up strays—they're just simple-minded idiots who just followed me home and never left. "

"For your information that is the very definition of a stray, Levi."

"Well, it's not like that's my fault. And so far, all the idiots have, for some fucking reason refuse to even fucking consider leaving the goddamned nest and I've been trying to get them to leave for years. Besides, if you want to be so technical about it, he's a foundling you snooty snob. He's a kid. Better yet, he's my kid. My brat. Mine."

Erwin gave out a snort. "And god help him for being that." Resigned, he could only give a final admonition to his friend and hoped that things worked out for the best. "You will drive that child to bedlam Levi—mark my words."

He shouldn't have said that. He really shouldn't have tempted fate to prove him wrong.

No, Levi didn't drive the brat to bedlam—oh no, the brat did something worse. A lot worse. A whole universe worth of worse. The damned brat drove his Levi to bedlam. And the damned contrary, annoyingly violent bastard enjoyed every moment of it.

On hindsight—that should've clued him in once he took up a scraggly teen with eyes like a feral wolf and kept it by his side. That particular decision should've told him he'll get his ass bitten.

He really should've known. _Goddamned strays._

* * *

 

**DEALS WITH THE DEVIL YOU KNOW**

Erwin was not prepared for the sight that greeted him when he walked into his office. Having just received an urgent call from his own assistant, he was adamant to get to the bottom of things and the last thing he expected to see was the source of his current dilemma to be sitting languidly on one of his visitor's chairs nonchalantly cleaning his nails despite looking like he has just been through a bloodbath.

"Levi—what is the meaning of this? Why in the hell did our negotiation with the Politizia falling apart now? I thought it was already settled. I sent you there to finalize the contracts not to have the entire thing dissolve around us. And do I even want to ask why you thought it was prudent to—Levi—is that blood?!"

Levi pinned his immediate superior with a smirk that was all teeth. His voice when he spoke was edgy as an exposed blade and cold as the very arctic.

"Yes it is. For the record, I was doing my job until that fucker got it in his head to open his fucking mouth and spew shit like there's no tomorrow." Levi waved a hand lazily but his smile remained feral. "After that, he simply had to go."

Erwin settled on his chair behind the huge partner's desk he inherited from a great uncle and tried to wrestle the necessary patience needed for this clearly delicate situation. His Head of Security was clearly agitated and he needed to get in front of this matter fast or else, who knows how Levi would react.

"What in the world could he have said that would cause you to create an incident of this proportion? Did he try to swindle us? Did he insult you in some way?"

Levi's answer was so frigid with disdain that it was reaching subzero levels. "The fucker saw Eren."

Confusion knotted Erwin's brow as he tried for clarification. "I'm not following here. Of course the man would see Eren unless you kept him in his room—the meeting took place in your house. Just tell me what the hell went wrong!"

This time Levi exploded from his chair and leaned towards his boss with all the feral grace of a pouncing dire wolf high on bloodlust. His tone when he spoke was seething with rage.

"What the hell went wrong, you ask me? Everything about this deal went so close to wrong it crossed the international dateline twice and then took a shortcut at Shitsville. The nasty piece of shit fucktard you set me up to deal with sauntered into my own home like he was the fucking King of Sheba, took one look at my Precious and drooled like a sleazy, STD-laden horny slimeball flying high as a kite on a jacked up concoction of Viagra and testosterone.

"Levi—!"

Levi's eyes gun-metal grey eyes were dilated with undiluted fury, his usually pale complexion flushed with anger and his stoic façade nowhere to be seen as he murmured coldly, "He then had the temerity to ask me— _ **ME**_ —"he growled, "If I would be amenable to adding Eren to the contract as one of his _benefits_ package."

Erwin couldn't help but groan in chagrin at the man's apparent idiocy. How can one man be such an unfailing monument to ineptitude? "Oh goddess of the three walls—"

"Now, Fucking Bushy Brows—why don't you ask me again what the hell went wrong with your idiotic deal—I dare you to."

Erwin resigned his deal to the lowest bowels of hell. There was no way to revive it, short of having a time machine and ensuring that Levi was kept well away. Time for damage control and hope the Politizia wasn't in a pissy mood or he'll be looking at possible death counts.

"Is he still alive?"

"What do you think?"

Levi's answer did not bode well for Erwin's peace of mind. Levi was at his most dangerous when he turns cryptic.

"Is he still breathing?"

"There's air around him I'm sure."

_Goddess help him, Levi was not just annoyed—the man was incandescent with rage_. Erwin wasn't quite sure now who he wanted to placate more—the Politizia or his bloodthirsty, unpredictable Head of Security. Truth be told—Erwin would prefer the Politizia over Levi any day.

"Is he still in one piece?"

"Well, maybe more than one or two-dozen."

"Doz—you said he was still breathing!"

"I never said that. I said there was air around him.

"Then—oh goddess in Sina..." Erwin buried his face in his palms and prayed for a do-over. His day hasn't even reached the midway mark and it's already FUBAR as far as he's concerned. Levi was clearly unsympathetic towards his agitated superior.

"The next time you send a man my way make sure he has no objectionable nature Bushy Brows. My Precious is sensitive and I do so hate bringing the scent of blood home. It makes him sneeze."

"Levi—"

The smile he gave Erwin could've given a polar bear hypothermia. "Better ask someone from your minions to bring a mop. Make sure it's someone with a cast-iron stomach. You might consider Shitty Glasses—she did stop by to avail herself of his—well...personal property for one of her experiments...what she could piece together, of course. I did do him the favor of sending—well—his personal signature to the next bozo in line with a message from me. I'm sure you'll be getting their reply very soon."

Petra rapped her knuckles smartly on the door to announce her arrival. She took one look at the clearly incensed pair and decided to deliver her message quickly and succinctly to ease the tension. "Erwin, the second in command of the Politiza is here. He says he's ready to sign the contract."

"The second—Nile Dok—he's here?"

"He just arrived this morning and his Head of Security sent messages that he will be arriving within the hour. The man said that they have brought with them amended copies of the contract we had originally proposed."

Erwin nodded. "Thank you Petra. Levi—"

Petra flicked a look at her direct superior's smirk and shook her head in resignation. "He also mentioned that he brought gifts? Something about using it for compensation for the unintended slight caused towards one of our own."

Levi's smirk morphed into a shit-eating grin as he purred. "Perfect."

Erwin shook his head in resignation and made a mental note to never send potential clients where Levi could have his precious Eren within close proximity. Levi was usually so cold, indifferent and downright stoic against even the most depraved of their clientele but Erwin was finally learning that Levi has very little tolerance for people leering at his Precious.

Really…he should've learned his lesson the first time Levi gutted that tutor that stared at Eren unblinkingly for five minutes. Levi made such a mess with that one. Though investigations later on did reveal that the damned pervert had it coming.

* * *

 

_**BUDGET CUTS & ALLOCATIONS** _

Erwin considers himself a man able to deal with any situation with grace and poise. He had certain expectations in his routines that he has grown used to and expects to attain as was his wont as President of his company. And while he certainly braced himself to deal with unexpected occurrences and mild disarray, he did not expect chaos on a daily basis.

His monthly meetings with his staff shouldn't turn into the bloody battlefield it has become recently. He wonders, as he sits on his chair watching the people he entrusted his company to argue like rabid fishwives, where in the world he went wrong when he thought they were all professionals when he recruited them.

He certainly didn't expect his wife, his Head of Security and his Head Auditor to come storming into his office while he was meeting with the head of his R/D division.

_**"Ackerman!"** _

_**"Boss!"** _

Levi, who stalked into the office uncaring for the chaos that trailed after him, simply sat in front of Erwin, gave the man who was technically his superior a short nod before snagging the security preparations for their bi-annual conference before cocking his brow and muttering.

"Petra, when I hired you, your credentials did not include the word banshee in it. If I wanted a loud screeching female baboon in my constant company, I already have Shitty Glasses and Isabel for that."

"Hey, Beep-beep Big Bro!" Isabel wailed but Levi ignored her with a huff.

"I refuse to apologize for the truth. Besides, Hanji is not denying my claims so why should you?"

Hanji didn't miss a bear. "I deny nothing!"

_**"Shut up Shitty Glasses/Hanji!"** _ Levi and Nanaba shouted.

Erwin tried to intercede before things escalate, though something inside him told him it was far too late. "Perhaps it would be best if everyone calms down. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"Boss! There is something we must talk about! The house account is completely in the red and I don't know what happened after you asked for access to it last week and the President is asking—"

"I am asking why you decided to blow our entire monthly budget on a purchase that's so redacted all I could read was the order form, the final cost and the date."

"Well, you have that don't you? So, what are you complaining about? What else do you need to fill out that account book that you guard like a bloody hellhound?"

"Okay that's it. I cannot abide by this racket you are all making. Let's begin with the smaller issue. Petra dear, what is your concern?"

"Thank you darling—er, I mean, President."

Levi sneered at the pair. "Can you two stop being so disgusting?"

Petra blushed but cleared her throat to answer her superior. "Yes, well, Boss—why is our household budget missing a sizeable chunk of its quarterly funds?"

"Precious needed clothes."

Petra blinked before rubbing a hand across her forehead, praying to every god she knew for patience. On her periphery, she noted that her beloved husband was doing the same thing. "Boss, we just bought him some four days ago. Remember the four boxes you had Gunther and Eld haul from one end of the shopping district to the next? How many clothes can a four year old possibly want? Are we building a closet or a department store for the dear boy?"

"He needed better ones." Levi's retort was laconic. He waved a languid hand in casual dismissal. "The ones we bought weren't right. Don't worry—I sent them back with tags on so we're getting a refund."

"Weren't—Boss, did you buy him silks again? I told you—silks don't work well with young children!"

"Well, I know that. Apparently toddlers require soft fabric and it's one the softest I know."

"But pure silk? For a crawling toddler?!"

"Who says I bought a shit-ton of pure silk?"

"Boss—"

"Fine, fine. So I bought a few bolts of silk, big deal. They're not for Precious. They're for me. I needed new shirts and when I made an order I just included it. I'll deduct the cost and pay it back from my personal accounts. And here I thought you'd complain more about the bolts of Egyptian cotton and cashmere I ordered, oh well."

"WHAT!"

Levi leveled a look at his assistant and the woman couldn't help but blush at the silent, if effective rebuke. "Petra I told you—stop mimicking a Banshee." Receiving a nod from Petra, Levi's eyes turned towards his clearly staring superior. "Bushy Brows—what the hell are you lounging here for?"

Erwin wrestled mightily with his own incredulity and reminded himself that this would not be the day Levi wins a bet off of him regarding his temper. "I am not lounging here Levi, this is my office and I happen to be working. Now, what is happening here Nanaba? Levi?"

"I was heading to my office when this termagant dragged me in here."

Nanaba was nearly apoplectic as she harangued Levi. "Don't you dare turn this on me Ackerman! And you have some nerve calling me a termagant you Cleaning Nazi! The reason why I'm dragging you here is because I am still waiting for my explanation as to why there is a sizeable chunk of our appropriations budget that is unaccounted for and all I have to explain it is your signature at the bottom of the invoice."

Levi dismissed her with a short wave of his hand. "Oh is that why you're harping on me. I upgraded the house's security features."

Clearly the SurveyCorp Head Auditor couldn't let the dismissal pass unchallenged. "You used five and a half million dollars! What kind of security upgrade did you do—hire a group of mercenaries?"

Levi scoffed in disdain as if Nanaba dragged in something dirty and foul-smelling into his presence. "As if I need those untrained, undisciplined bozos to protect my most precious. Newsflash you bossy Albino, if you value something, you don't hire people whose loyalty can be measured in the number of zeros they'd would sell their souls for. Besides, what kind of effective mercenaries only charge a measly five point five mil?" he sneered.

"First of all I am not an albino, you sadistic, egomaniacal dwarf! MY hair happens to be platinum blonde!" Nanaba screeched.

"Excuses, excuses."

"Don't think you can divert my attention Ackerman. Explain to me, if you didn't hire mercenaries or gun for hires—what did you use the five and half mil on?"

"I bought supplies to fill a decent armory. It's not complete yet but it's getting there."

Nanaba nearly blanched in disorientation, "An arm—what the hell would we need an armory for?"

Levi snorted, "Who says it's for you bozos? If you want one, build it yourself, you lazy slackers. It's personal!"

"Personal! If that's the case then why didn't you use your own damn money! You couldn't have bought that for your ward—there's no way you could justify gifting a bunch of weapons to a toddler!"

Erwin decided it was best he intervened since the interaction was degenerating into a simple catfight. "Nanaba, I'm sure he didn't purchase advance weaponry for Eren—right Levi?"

"Well, of course not! What the hell are you thinking of, Eyebrows? Why in the hell would I give Precious weapons? He's only three—I'll do that when he's old enough. They're my home security measures. As such, under President Eyebrow's mandate—that falls under a business expense, thus the invoice."

"Home security? Ackerman—President Smith have you seen the invoices—?" Nanaba produced a thick folder from the stack in her arms and tossed it to the desk, reciting agitatedly, "Rifles, machine guns, handguns of every caliber—crates of ammunitions—Ackerman, no one buys thirty rocket-propelled grenade launchers as a burglar deterrent!"

"Says you. Besides, I don't see why not. It's been proven to be quite effective against pirates when we were in Indonesia." Levi sniffed as he too reached out to snag the invoice but Erwin was quicker.

"Clearly, we're nowhere near Indonesia now are we? We're not even close to a goddamned body of water! Are you expecting to find pirates lurking at your house at all hours of the night?"

"Well, I wouldn't know, I'm not a pirate. However, I do have an accessible body of water near my residence—"

"You live close to a bloody lake for Maria's sake! The possibility of having it infested with pirates is ludicrous!"

"That may be true—and don't use the word infested in connecting with anything I own ever again—but then again, we'll never know, now would we? Besides, I already assigned Hanji to place landmines around the perimeter."

"Levi—"

Nanaba screamed. "Landmines—what the hell are you thinking giving Hanji access to explosives! And what if some helpless stranger or neighbor steps on those things! Can you imagine the lawsuits we'd be facing?"

"Lawsuits? Like strangers would just come waltzing through a goddamned gated, high-brow community like this?" Levi gave Nanaba a scorn-filled look, waving a hand towards the huge windows that filled one wall in Erwin's office. "And what neighbors? I've been here five years and I haven't seen one yet. I live on the edge of this damned property with nearly two acres of woods surrounding this entire mansion on three sides and a damned lake on another—anyone who comes wandering here without a reason deserves to be ejected with extreme prejudice."

"Ackerman—I can't believe I'm actually saying this. There's excessive, there's over the top, there's extreme and then there's you! What could possibly possess you to seed the damned perimeter with landmines and furnish a personal armory with enough weapons to rival a third world country?! Are you expecting to be invaded by a rogue militia?"

"The point is that I believe in being prepared for every eventuality. I'd hate for something to happen and then be caught unawares just because I let some pesky detail like cost or shortsightedness get in the way."

"Unprepared—shortsighted—cost—!" Nanaba nearly sputtered in chagrin and Erwin nearly joined her after reaching the end of the damning piece of invoice himself and scanning the final item on the invoice. "You ordered a goddamned Predator Drone! Are you planning to send Hellfire missiles somewhere in the neighborhood?! That's not some cheap lawn ornament Levi!"

"I should hope not. What good would a Drone do to me if it's stuck on the ground?"

Erwin re-read the invoice and wondered again what kind of childhood his oldest friend must've had for him to consider the contents of weapons that would rival a military base as mere _"home security"._

* * *

 

CLEANLINESS IS NOT AN OPTION

Erwin likes his office. It's spacious, well-appointed, strategically placed and it's comfortable. He rarely ventures out of it and usually sends people to him rather than traipsing through theirs. This time, however, he allowed himself the luxury of confronting the lion in his very own den. An appropriate idea considering who he decided to visit.

Levi was a former street rat turned gang member turned hired killer turned security expert turned Daddy from hell. He is fiendishly strong, lethally efficient with weaponry and hand to hand combat, annoyingly insightful when it comes to analyzing opponents, annoyingly charismatic in that undefinable way that just oozes an 'I don't give a fuck why they love me but that's just the way it is so I roll' vibe. He is also without question or debate the biggest neat freak in SurveyCorp.

"Levi, please tell me you have an explanation as to why we have a delivery for half a container van of baby wipes, hand-sanitizers, disposable gloves and paper towels that would decimate a quarter of the nearby woods? Are we building or donating to a hospital somewhere I am not aware of?"

Levi hardly looked up from the papers he was perusing to acknowledge his boss.

"Eren will be around a lot of people. That means Eren will make a mess. That also means a lot of people will make a mess. I don't want to have to deal with the messes without proper supplies."

Erwin was a man with patience to rival a saint. He wonders daily if he that means he's being martyred everyday with the amount of torture and headache he endures on a daily basis.

"Levi, this is getting out of hand—last week you had the entire manor fumigated, inspected for vermin, and then repainted. Then you had teams cleaning every inch of the grounds, we have teams of gardeners carrying a clipboard with a detailed list of your instructions and the maid-service company we hire no longer feels like they could satisfy them after you gave them a demonstration on how to clean."

Levi snorted as he signed off on the last page of the stack he was working on before calling Aurou over to send it off. He waved towards a chair and Erwin settled in, not surprised when Isabel came in immediately afterwards to give him tea. Levi's actions was like clockwork—precise, neat and predictable. At least when it comes to paperwork. Everything else—sans his neatfreak tendencies—was a crapshoot.

"Well they shouldn't advertise themselves as a cleaning agency when they clearly have no idea how to do a competent job."

"Levi the house is so clean it would pass a lab inspection. Your standard for what is clean deserves its own rating."

"I don't intend for Eren to be affected by virus and germs and I refuse to live in a house that is not up to code."

"The house is so clean a lady can fix her eyeliner using the lights reflecting on the tile." Erwin deadpanned as he took an appreciative sip of his tea, silently thanking Isabel for knowing his brew.

"Why would any woman do that?"

"I'm just saying—"

"While you're on the subject, have someone sent out for bleach. My supply is running out."

Erwin nearly spit out his tea. Running out?! "How can you run out-the damn bleach is housed in an industrial grade dispenser! That's nearly 100 gallons of bleach!"

Levi sniffed in disdain. "It's below the mark I find acceptable. I made a sizeable dent in it last week."

"Sizeable-last week-what the hell did you use that much bleach on?" Erwin frowned, racking his brain for any monumental event that would require Levi to go on a cleaning spree.

"Other the usual laundry run? Well that and then there was what remained of your former MP member. I swear to fucking heaven that bastard was a pain before and after I got rid of his diseased ass. His blood made Precious sneeze so bad he was sniffling, turning his nose red and making my baby cry and you can't tell me that isn't a fucking tragedy. And then, if that wasn't annoying enough, his blood made such a stain it was a bitch to clean. On that note, Isabel—go and order me some plastic or rubber sheeting okay? An entire roll of the stuff maybe a good investment. Get me the extra-large durable ones."

"Oh goddess of the walls, Big Bro is turning into Dexter. This is totally awesome!"

"Shut it Isabel. I am not turning into a conflicted, attention-whore of a serial killer. Bushy Brows if you're just going to stand there gaping like a slack-jawed bear go back to your office, you're cluttering up mine. And stop dragging your feet on my carpet. I didn't go through an entire roll of the damned stuff to find just the part that didn't have any marks or imperfections on it just so you can bitch-stump your way in here every time you get your granny panties in a bunch."

_"I paid for this carpet!"_

"It's in my house now so you have no say in how I deal with it."

Yes, sometimes Erwin wanders off and visits his employees. It's during those times he regrets the impulse and strengthens his resolve never to leave his own office ever again.

* * *

 

**_YOU CANT CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY_ **

"Levi!"

"You're going to lose your voice if you don't stop bellowing you know Bushy Brows."Levi drawled as his old friend and superior came marching into his manor.

"Levi, you know I give you leeway—too much, others would say but for the sake of all the walls, what the hell is this?"

Levi didn't bother looking at the piece of paper Erwin was waving and simply gave the blond his usual deadpan gaze. "Erwin—tell me something—are you suffering from some kind of dementia? Because I'm sure as hell I can remember beginning a conversation like this a week ago."

"That's because you gave me a headache a week ago and now you've given me another. Now, tell me what have you done to nearly 20 yards of smart fabric we spent years developing in RD?" Erwin sat on one of the few chairs Levi allowed into his office space. The man was utilitarian to a fault, even when attending to his guests comfort or lack thereof.

"I had a trial test done. I needed the material for the test itself."

"A trial test. Is that what you mean?"

Levi cocked an unimpressed brow at his clearly agitated boss. "Are you studying to play the part of a parrot Bushy Brows? Because if you are I'm telling you right now you're doing a shitty job. A one-eyed lame pirate wouldn't hire you if you promised to work for crackers."

"If I was a parrot I'd already be molting because of the stunts you've been pulling since I met you. Now just give me a damned answer."

"I'm having the fabric field tested. I had Isabel make clothes for Mikasa and Eren to wear."

Erwin took a deep breath and settled his frayed nerves. He needs his head on the game or else he might just strangle Levi and then he'd be left with no one but Hanji. The reminder was good enough to tranquilize his agitation to manageable levels.

"Levi—we spent millions on proprietary tech and research on that product so that it could be used in tactical and combat situations. SO tell me—what the hell kind of combat situation would two teenagers face that would justify clothing them in the world's first ever smart-fabric?"

Levi was clearly not feeling Erwin's urgency. He was immersed in perusing a catalogue on the newest cleaning products just launched in the market.

"I sent them camping with Kenny for two weeks. The mad old bastard wanted to bond with his grandchildren or some such shit. Last I checked, he was planning to back-pack though Kandahar before traipsing to Goddess knows where."

"Kandahar."

Erwin blinked.

"Yep. That's the first leg or so according to the itinerary Mikasa sent me. I told Kenny if Precious comes back with so much as a scratch on him, I'm using his geezer ass as target practice. I told Mikasa not to let Kenny drag them to North Korea but that's just about it. The old man was already grumbling over the no gun rule I insisted on Eren but he has to balls up if he wants anytime with the kiddies."

"You sent two teenagers backpacking through the Afghan desert with your clearly maladjusted, violence-prone, adrenaline junkie of an uncle clad in the fabric we developed for combat situation so that they could 'bond'?"

"Yep."

Erwin tapped the folder he brought with him before giving a decisive nod and standing up. "Send me the field data as soon as you have them. See if you can include video with that."

"Sure thing. Wanna know if the GPS particles in the fabric worked too?"

"Of course. But make sure the testing is a controlled environment. The last thing I need is for those kids to end up being kidnapped for real and then we'd be scrambling to find them."

Levi sneered. "'Scrambling' my left fucking toe. If that pathetic has-been of a geezer allows his own grandchildren to be kidnapped under his fucking nose I would rip off his own fucking spine and then I would beat his wrinkled ass down the darkest oubliette I can find on this fucking planet with it. Then I would hunt down the damned fucked-up corpses who thought it was a good idea to kidnap my niece and my Precious and show them that hell does exist on this earth."

Erwin decided exit was the better part of valor. "Fine. Just keep me informed. I don't want to have to wonder why I'm being questioned as to why my head of security is caught beating the shit out of senior citizen. Or why dead kidnappers might appear suddenly out of thin air."

"Will do Boss. Will do."

"And tell Kenny not to start an international incident. I want plausible deniability when the UN comes barging through my door like the last time or else I'm sending Hanji after him."

Levi nodded absently. "Well, that's one way to motivate him. I'll tell the kids you said hi."

"Tell them to bring me back a souvenir and no I don't mean anything dead or bleeding."

Levi winced at the thought. "Yeah, shipping something like that would be a pain in the ass to clean. And the costs would kill me."

* * *

 

_**WEIGHT OF KNOWLEDGE** _

"Levi, care to tell me why you're requesting funds to acquire a-bloody hell-why are you planning to buy my old school?"

"The board running that joint if full of criminals, incompetents and deviants that could form a gallery of who's who in prison. Besides, according to Hanji schools are veritable cash-cows now and that would certainly stop you from whining at me for every expense."

"Levi, I understand that you're doing this to protect Eren but we don't know anything about running an educational institution. We don't have anyone—"

Levi gave Erwin a look. "You have Pixis. He has a degree in public administration right? There's also that old man-what's his name-the man that keeps the garden and plays with Eren? Before he decided he was bored and played spy for the NSA for a couple of years."

Erwin blinked. "How the hell did you even know that?"

"Please." Levi smirked. "You think I don't run background checks on everyone I have to interact with? I didn't survive my childhood by relying on second hand data Old Man. That's a quick way to get yourself betrayed and killed by bastards more cunning than you.I get a real time update on everyone that steps a foot in my property from the moment they get here until the moment they leave. If you think I would let every Tom, Bob or Harry to waltz in here without being betted within an inch of their fucked up life you better start shaving off those monstrous caterpillars on your face."

Erwin gave a contemplative hum before nodding. "I know you check everyone out, the monitoring is a good idea, though. Please implement it at the office will you?"

"Fine. I'll have Gunther and Eld draw up the office schematics and sign me up for vouchers for the cost of the upgrade. I don't want that white witch on my ass again."

"Fine, But back to the matter at hand—wait, did you really assign an old spy to trim your lawn?"

"No, don't be an idiot. I kept him because Eren liked him. Put him in the school-that will guarantee that I won't have to read about fucking weirdoes coming into the same space as Precious. And if nothing else, I don't have to keep pulling Petra away from her regular job just to do background checks on all the fucking weirdoes your old school keeps hiring. Seriously, I wonder how that school remained standing long after you graduated from there when they're running that place into the ground with the amount of payola they have to pay for shutting up all their sexual harassment cases."

Erwin stared. "What?"

"By the time I slap all these cases in their faces, they'd be begging me to take their stupid school off their hands for free—oh that's a great idea. Which reminds me—Petra!"

"Will you please stop bellowing my wife's name like that?"

"She was my assistant before she became your wife. I take precedence."

Petra, prompt as always awarded her husband a sweet smile before turning towards Levi.

"You called Boss?"

"Make sure I have a complete dossier on every one who will be on that negotiating table. I'm planning to get this school for a steal. Since Fucking Bushy Brows here do nothing but complain about how much I'm costing him, I figured conning that school of his out of those deadbeats' hands for a song would be good enough to shut him up for a few hours."

Petra made a note on her ever present tablet. "How much are we planning to offer Boss?"

Levi jeered in derision. "What offer? When I'm done with them, they'd be on their knees gifting that property to me. So, how about it Bushy Brows? Want to go watch me con a school out of those perverts who ran it?"

Erwin pursed his lips for a moment before gracefully giving in. There was no stopping Levi once he has an itch of an idea and he was quite bored with his day. Hostile takeovers were always entertaining, at least. "Fine. It's not like I have anything better to do here. Might as well get some stress relief from all the trouble you've caused me. If I get into the mood, I just might make them pay us to take the school off their hands."

"I like the way you scheme Old Man. Let's go make some snotty rich pervert cry. If you do this right, I'll even name a wing after your freaky brows."

"If I win this—I'll be Chairman of the Board and you will initiate a training program for the kids." Erwin reminded Levi.

"If you put me in this school, your rich snobby brats will die off like flies."

"If I agree to give you free reign over their training, I want a competitive varsity team."

"If you put me in this school it will be a military-style institution. I don't train rich snobs, wusses and crybabies."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Good."

"How much will this cost us?" Levi inquired as they were climbing into the car that would take them to Erwin's former Alma Mater.

Erwin raised one of his brows and Levi tried not to twitch at the sight, much to Erwin's chagrin. "Not a damned thing. I'm not paying a dime for this place—I plan on getting it for free."

"Good. I need the extra budget for materials and building supplies. You better drag Mike along. We're going to need a lawyer."

"Why? Planning to assault someone?"

"Nah. I need proof I managed to con a school for free. And to make sure I don't end up in a school named after your fucking bushy brows."

Erwin reminded him. "Eren doesn't get preferential treatment once he's enrolled."

Levi nodded. "Eren doesn't board in school and I get to install surveillance cameras and plan emergency protocol."

"Deal?"

"Deal."

Erwin wonders often what would've happened had he simply followed his parents' advice and lives a life of indulgence and affluence, surrounded by members of his own privileged class, letting the days go by him while he pursued one hobby after another.

He allows himself to indulge in the what-ifs and then he lets it go as he watches his Vice President sniffing the cake offering that accompanied their tea tray, knowing the man was testing it for poison using his sensitive nose as he did every day. Down the corridors he could make out the muffled sound of Hanji's latest experiment exploding as she cackled like the mad scientist everyone believes her to be.

His eyes fall on his Head of Security, arguably the scariest man in all of SurveyCorp sitting contentedly on the immaculately clean carpeted floor as he watches with focused gun-metal eyes the antics of his precious Eren, hardly blinking as if in fear of missing out something important even as his awareness of the room has not diminished one iota.

Erwin watches and weighs and knows that given a chance—he really wouldn't have done anything any differently. Well…maybe not much differently.


End file.
